Monday, July 16, 2012

Memoir for Imperfections...

I have been thinking of writing these thoughts down for some time now.. The time was not right, until now...

So let me begin by saying that I have grown to understand that no matter what, mistakes are always going to be a constant in my life. This blog is not for anyone but myself. Life is full of choices, as we all know, but what we dont understand are the consequences, to be honest, most of us act upon thoughts without even thinking about the result, unless its something we have perfected, in which nothing we ever do is perfected.

What I have learned, is that nothing you desire is unavoidable, if its what you truly desire.  I have gone through many stages of growth in my life, as we all do, but for the past few years, I have grown to the point of understanding what I really want in life.

This blog serves one purpose to my readers, to show you that my mistakes have made me grow, but at the same time, show how imperfect life and I have become, to coincide into a relationship of hardship, fun, happiness, alongside many sad times.  

I have been through many relationships with people, and have found myself in some just for the hell of it, because I felt it was needed, others not so much, I have fallen in love a few times.

I know this because my world stopped when I was around these people..

This doesn't just go for women, but I want to concentrate this entry on my past relationships with the opposite sex.

Much of the time I have spent in relationships have been great, several long term, several short term. learning along the way, that each relationship is different, and unique in its own form.  I remember telling the first girl that I loved her, but had no idea what the word meant, or what feeling I should have when saying it.

I will never forget these relationships, but one thing that stands out the most, is the inconsistency that I have had each time. I have gone from loving someone so much, to not wanting to see them, and from never wanting to see them, or knowing them, to wanting to see them, or getting to know them.

Many of my relationships have been gestures of fantasy love, where I thought things were so right, but they were so wrong on so many levels.

The wrong parts became things I constantly tried to fix, never realizing or understanding the good things in the relationships.

For most to understand I must label my mistakes.

Cheating, Lies, Arguing, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse...

There you have it.. I have been part of it all, and no Im not scared to discuss this, because I am at a point in my life, where I can see the wrong, and right with no eyes closed.

My imperfections have shown me that although I have done so many wrongs, I have done so much right, I have loved with all my heart, I have been there for my partner(s) at all times, even after break ups, and most importantly never looked past what I had with them during or after the fact.

But it seems that throughout my years, I have struggled with the fact that I have not been fully satisfied, and no matter how hard I try to see myself as being satisfied, there has always come a point of not being desired, loved, or cared about in a way that made me completely happy.

This is not to give way to any type of excuse for my mistakes, but to express my thoughts on my happiness which is inevitably the only thing that will ever make me complete.

I have found happiness within myself, complete happiness, should I state, just recently, and my life seems so much better, it seems as if life has begun here, but there is still so much that holds me back, simply because of everything I have been through, both from my imperfections, or someone else's.

Simply said:

For the ones that I have lost, because of my wrong doings, it was nothing personal, it was me, that was not ready, it was me that you did not need, it was me, that never should have lied, and most of all, it was me that loved you.... But just not completely..

I have found a place in my heart to understand my mistakes like no other time in my life..

This is not a sorry, or a letter to show that Im sorry, because I have said that many times before...

Instead these are my thoughts, on my near perfection on understanding how imperfect I really am..

But for now, just know that the memories that we built, mean more to me now that ever before, and I know from here on out, life will be better than what once was a life just for me, its more than just me, I have the world to love, and understand their imperfections as well..

Thank you for allowing me to experience everything that I have, as it has built me up to be the man that I am today, even if you think Im a terrible man, I know in my heart that my intentions were always good, but I did not show them as is, but again, I'm not perfect.

I Love you all.. 


Truthfully,

MK

(Dedicated to the ones that gave me their all, and still do)