Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The dream of my life.

It has been a while since I wrote down any of my thoughts. So long actually, my writings may be of a different kind, from a different place, and most of all a different meaning. I took a voluntary break of sort, a break in which I had no need to share thoughts on paper, had no reason to fill in any blanks. To be exact its been over a year since the last time I've sat down and self reflected on my thoughts. During that time, I was caught in a chapter of my life I like to consider experimental, or in other words lost times.

Let me begin by saying life has never let me down, life continues to surprise me in ways, I could never imagine. I believe that is a good thing, although not always feasible for a growing mind, a mind that wants more, imagines more, and drives for more. I have faced so much in the time I've been away, which has left me with so many questions & answers. I was lost for so long, thinking I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, and forgetting, forgetting oh so much. I forgot so much that I forgot the simple rule, the number 1 rule, the rule I always told everyone to follow and continue saying so. The rule, well the rule is simple to say and hear, even listen to, but the rule is not easy to adhere to, the rule of following your dream(s). 

Everyone knows that they should follow their dream(s), we are told so, by mostly everyone in our lifetime. "Gotta follow your dreams, its the only way that you will be happy" Ive heard so many times. "Your dreams are the only way you will ever feel fulfilled" Ive also heard over and over again and again. But is it real, really real, is it something we can truly follow in this so called world, society, this life we so easily take for granted?  I think so yes, but I think of it differently, or at least I think so, but Im sure many share my same thoughts on one of life's great choices.

I say such to allow you to understand where I am currently. I am 25, young by many means, but in this life, this generation, older by most means. I have been working for 6 years now, worked through college doing managerial work at a storage center, busting ass for $10 per hour. I even had the courage to get a apartment with a friend of mine, which was greatness, even though later on we figured out we were both trying to live out of our means. I woke up one morning with the notification on my phone, letting me know I was fired, on my day off, for no reason other than the owner thought I wasn't fit for the current job he hired me for in the first place. I remember the 5 minute drive to give the owner the keys to the shop that day, and I asked him why he fired me, what I did wrong, he replied "you did nothing wrong, but I think its time for us to separate ways".  I walked out wanting to throw everything I had at that man I could, but I kept on walking, I got in my jeep and rode back home, knowing I was back at square one. Trying to chase my dream?

A few days passed by, and I got a call from someone at the hospital I knew in Barnwell,SC asking me to drop my resume off for a potential job. With no experience they wanted a resume for what I wondered, I have nothing to put down on a paper that would impress anyone for a job.  I went in for a interview and saw so many people I recognized, my whole family worked there at some point, pops, moms, cousins and such, my parents held high positions there all at one point. So this was a given.... I got the job a few days later, part time job doing clerical work admitting patients into the ER, both during 1st shift which was 7-3 or second shift 3-12, depending on what was needed, getting paid a wage of 8.57/hr, I was stoked to be honest. With that being said, the drive was an hour from where I lived, greatness right? Yea I didn't care one bit about anything but getting the job done. I excelled quickly and worked during part time work for 2 years. Loosing so much in the process, my time from my family, friends, and most importantly the life I had in Aiken. I moved from Aiken, and came back home where I still reside, to make ends meet at the time. Finally after so much trouble and time, I received notice I could apply for a full time position for what else but 3rd shift. This shift was from 12-8 at night.  The crazy shift we called it. My social life gone, my days gone, but I made it, still being a full time student at USCA, I continued being the driven student I was, still attending classes when ever I could. I remember one semester I would leave for work at 11pm to make it on time for work, ending my shift at 8a, driving an hour to Aiken, to take classes from 9-4p, then cruising back home to get some sleep and doing the same cycle all over again. Let me cut this short by saying I did all I could for 8.57/hr, and took so much from this experience, saw so many people, so many things, including so much death and sickness, for any 22 year old to take in at the time, and I took it like a champ, I was chasing a dream or was I?

Time went on, and I knew it was time for a change, I graduated from USCA in the 4 years, no less, no extra, I got it done. I felt I deserved more form the job, I applied for different positions now that I had a business degree, but nothing fell through, no raise, no promotions, not even a interview.  So I applied for months to different jobs, but no luck. I specifically heard that Verizon was a great place to work, so I finally applied for the 5th time, and got a call back. I got the position, and I remember being asked is 11.50/hr sound good plus commission advancement every month depending how much you sell, "OH, hell yea" I responded, she said, we just need your signature here, and you are officially on board. So after three years at 8.57/hr with no advancement, I now have moved up in the world, getting big money, big opportunities. I was chasing my dream. 

Now this is the time in which I took my break from writing down my thoughts.  I worked for 2 years at Verizon, almost everyday, with ridiculous hours and reward structure. The corporate world, has no true way of hiding it's ways, work harder for less. Yes the money was good, better than before, I was able to experience so much during the two years, met some great people, and worked with great ones as well. But one thing was missing, my happiness, my purpose, in which I could not seem to grasp at any time during my stay there. As much as I tried I could not seem to find any enjoyment at the job, but I still managed to do a good job, and have a pretty good track record doing so. But I was chasing a dream my dream.

So what is this dream, what is this that I am chasing, more filler on a resume, more money, more experience for the next person to tell me I qualify? Because none of those things have helped me in the past, yeah they have somewhat provided for more things, that never matter when you look at them, when you truly look at them. You see, I didn't type out a resume in the previous paragraphs, although some people would read that in such fashion.  I look at it as different chapters, different experiences, that have shaped the way I feel about labor, corporate america, and the world we live in today.  By no means am I saying there isn't any happiness in the above, but I am saying that is not the dream, at least not my dream.

In all honesty, I have no clue what is coming next, but the feeling I am having of creating for myself, and living for a greater purpose than just another companies morals and code of ethics is carrying me through these hard times. I have put my path of success in other peoples hands for too long, I have allowed them to shape my experiences, allowed them to label me with money, time, and work ethic, with little reward other than a place to work, not grow, expand, and most importantly be happy.

So I come to you with this, never allow yourself to be stuck, never think it is not your time to say yes or no. You control all your choices, and no one ever wastes time for you, no one ever takes happiness from you, without you letting them. All of the above is just a feeling of empty time when I think back on the time I let pass, the happiness I allowed to get clouded by not realizing what my mind wanted, what my heard wanted. All I wanted was for my dream to be recognized, the dream of my life..

The dream of happiness.



.....For those that helped me along the way, Thank you.


-MK 14'