Pulled out the archives.
I've always had this notion of life that seemed to caress others in comfort. Always seemingly having the real, people searched for, and if I couldn't provide it I would find it in them to show the both of us. It has been something that has carried me in life, and most importantly attracted the most important people to my life, to me. I'm not sure what it exactly is, but I know the relationships of my past, have shaped the way I view life differently than most of my peers. With that being said, it has always been very important to me to love who was in my life to the fullest extent. Although I haven't necessarily done the best at just that, I consider myself a good person. I've had many opportunities to show who I am, and what I stand for to many different walks of life, and for the most part, it has been an enjoyable journey so far.
Taking chances has always been something I've flourished in. Being the type of person that never cared what others thought about my path, I always went along my own way. I honestly believe to find ones way you must follow your heart, not the heart of others. But this bears the question, that I am now being force fed by life, when you love some one so much, what direction do you take?
I have forever wanted to build a family and get married, but honestly never truly talked much about it. I didn't want to scare anyone away, including myself, from such a big step. I always believed it would be something that would come when it came, something natural something you wouldn't have to ask for. But I've been faced with much different over the years.
The family thing is just an example of thoughts I shared with myself, reserved thoughts saved for the one I would love with my all. Over time life has taken me in so many directions, to the most part comfortably and very low key. But lately, I have been faced with troubled times, individually and other things that are out of my control, but mean a lot to me. As I think daily of where I'm at now, I reflect on the times, I was truly happy, the moments that seemed natural, and nourishing. Things were going oh so well, and the part I think of the most at this given moment, is how bad I failed to keep it all together. I had always searched for answers, stressed over the small things, and seemingly overlooked the picture that was in front of me. I over focused, I didn't take enough steps back to picture what I had, and how lucky I was. That proved to be very costly, and equated to where I stand now. Alone.
When I mention alone, I'm talking much deeper than the word at face value. One must understand that I have a core of people I can talk to, and so forth, but most of those people are in different stages of their lives. Surprisingly enough, I was keeping up with where I was supposed to be for some time, I had it made. But I stumbled somewhere, and unfortunately I have no idea where. I can say this though, this moment in my life, has shed light on how fragile things always are. The sense that we have a grasp on anything in life, is foolish to me now. As much as I tried to hold on, and carry myself with the things I love the most, I found out that those things/people can go their own way, and change their minds quicker than you can realize. It can be a positive thing, or a tragic situation that you only realize when it's too late to fix. Now I'm not saying anything on the terms of, things not being fixable, or impossible to mend back together. But, I am implying the simple notion that once it's too late, you realize how easily you forgot, how extraordinary simple things, turned into the hardest emotions in life. As when things are going good, you feel in control, and when things in your mind are bad, the fragility of life begins to pour through your thoughts, almost as if you were reborn again.
During such time you begin to see yourself, all of you, although it's hard it can be rather refreshing & needed. You begin to see people go about their lives, while you are trying to mend the pieces back together. As they should, I don't expect anyone to stop walking their paths, not for me, not for my issues. But, it is difficult to watch the difference between people on your side when you are doing well vs. when you're not up to par with your or anyone else's expectations.
I've made many mistakes, I'm not proud of, that sometimes painted a picture of me, that was a distraction of who I really was. I also have made many great impressions on people over the course of my life that have brought many people into my life. Sometimes I didn't give everything I had, but most importantly, now when I am faced with this chapter, I am trying my best to mend the pieces of my life together again. I am trying my best to realize that my path is still good, and one that I can prosper with, and have a decent future ahead of myself.
Crazy though, some days feel like the end, some feel like a new beginning, but mostly feel lost. I wonder some days if what I've done for others has helped, shown them that their are some good people out here that genuinely care about others. As if their aren't enough thank you's and nice things to say now a days .. But that's not for me to sit and worry about, it is though something I think of at times. Especially times such as these, I must say that the things I've thought about have brought justice to the times when I couldn't spend time thinking on such questions.
With all the time in the world, the most time alone, to think, to work on me, that I've had lately; I've often thought of all the time I gave others and continue to give. I ponder on the thought of why I even feel the way I do, why it has seemed as if everyone that once was, now questions me, as if I've changed, when really things in my life changed in a way many don't seem to purely understand. Which really isn't their responsibility, but when they question me, when I tell them how and why, I am the way I am now, they should at least consider what I say. But that's slim to none, and most of all, the biggest thing that has diminished is the effort of people including themselves in my life, The ones I thought did that effortlessly before, seem like I'm just out the way for most of them now. With that being said, I can understand that's how life is, and sometimes your calling is to walk alone, truly alone, until you can find your path again to be around people that truly want to be around you, and enjoy being in your life.
The hardest part of it all is adjusting to the fact that life goes on, and no matter what is going on, you must walk forward. At least for me that's always been the case, I've had no problem before, I shouldn't have one now. I try my best daily understanding that I love, honor, and cherish my life, and everyone in it, but there have been times lately where I have noticed that people push you to be selfish at times. It pushes you to question your emotions, and the selfishness you pick, when honestly others cause you to think in such ways.
The mistakes, the problems I have caused, I apologize, forgive me if I ever drove anyone away from me, my life. It is never anything I wanted, but I realize how important it is to keep going, to stay true no matter who wants to be in your life, no matter who pays attention. The fragility of emotions becomes a thing I must conquer and I can say that though everything, I have been making strides on understanding, what it is I need to do, where I need to go. The direction of my life, is definitely led to many questions, sometimes doubt, but never a sense of failure, or giving up. Although the feelings of pain, hurt, and being alone, sometimes haunt my ever running mind. I must continually work on myself, to move forward, from everything that may hold me down, everything that will not move me in the direction I need to take myself.
I know why I’m here, I know why I’m up at this time of the night, I know why I can barely sleep, I know the reasons upon reasons. I just don’t know why I even reason. Because when you break down all the reasons, you end up only stepping back from the true reason of you. To just live, to just be.
When life seems to change almost all it’s normal ways, you realize what you had, is only what you thought you had, and was temporary life, just as temporary as we all are.
It is important for me to recognize what is, what I can control, the true love that is within for such life, for such a future, so that I can ready myself for when it is right in front of my face. So that when it does show up, I will know, I will be better prepared. I can show myself, standing in front of the life I've worked for, and show life, that I’ve come with dedication to keep it going, and move forward.
*Thank you to all, that try to continue to love, to stay true, giving their all to those they love. It is important to never let go, to continue trying on the simple reasons we begin and always will love someone. Never lose focus, on what carries the love you have for yourself, as it is something that someone else will one day love you for, forever.
MK
‘15
