To just live, just be.

Pulled out the archives. 

I've always had this notion of life that seemed to caress others in comfort. Always seemingly having the real, people searched for, and if I couldn't provide it I would find it in them to show the both of us.  It has been something that has carried me in life, and most importantly attracted the most important people to my life, to me. I'm not sure what it exactly is, but I know the relationships of my past, have shaped the way I view life differently than most of my peers. With that being said, it has always been very important to me to love who was in my life to the fullest extent. Although I haven't necessarily done the best at just that, I consider myself a good person. I've had many opportunities to show who I am, and what I stand for to many different walks of life, and for the most part, it has been an enjoyable journey so far.

Taking chances has always been something I've flourished in. Being the type of person that never cared what others thought about my path, I always went along my own way. I honestly believe to find ones way you must follow your heart, not the heart of others. But this bears the question, that I am now being force fed by life, when you love some one so much, what direction do you take?   

I have forever wanted to build a family and get married, but honestly never truly talked much about it.  I didn't want to scare anyone away, including myself, from such a big step.  I always believed it would be something that would come when it came, something natural something you wouldn't have to ask for.  But I've been faced with much different over the years.  

The family thing is just an example of thoughts I shared with myself, reserved thoughts saved for the one I would love with my all.  Over time life has taken me in so many directions, to the most part comfortably and very low key.  But lately, I have been faced with troubled times, individually and other things that are out of my control, but mean a lot to me.  As I think daily of where I'm at now, I reflect on the times, I was truly happy, the moments that seemed natural, and nourishing. Things were going oh so well, and the part I think of the most at this given moment, is how bad I failed to keep it all together.   I had always searched for answers, stressed over the small things, and seemingly overlooked the picture that was in front of me.  I over focused, I didn't take enough steps back to picture what I had, and how lucky I was. That proved to be very costly, and equated to where I stand now. Alone.

When I mention alone, I'm talking much deeper than the word at face value.  One must understand that I have a core of people I can talk to, and so forth, but most of those people are in different stages of their lives.  Surprisingly enough, I was keeping up with where I was supposed to be for some time, I had it made.  But I stumbled somewhere, and unfortunately I have no idea where.  I can say this though, this moment in my life, has shed light on how fragile things always are.  The sense that we have a grasp on anything in life, is foolish to me now.  As much as I tried to hold on, and carry myself with the things I love the most, I found out that those things/people can go their own way, and change their minds quicker than you can realize. It can be a positive thing, or a tragic situation that you only realize when it's too late to fix.  Now I'm not saying anything on the terms of, things not being fixable, or impossible to mend back together.  But, I am implying the simple notion that once it's too late, you realize how easily you forgot, how extraordinary simple things, turned into the hardest emotions in life. As when things are going good, you feel in control, and when things in your mind are bad, the fragility of life begins to pour through your thoughts, almost as if you were reborn again. 

During such time you begin to see yourself, all of you, although it's hard it can be rather refreshing & needed.  You begin to see people go about their lives, while you are trying to mend the pieces back together.  As they should, I don't expect anyone to stop walking their paths, not for me, not for my issues.  But, it is difficult to watch the difference between people on your side when you are doing well vs. when you're not up to par with your or anyone else's expectations. 

I've made many mistakes, I'm not proud of, that sometimes painted a picture of me, that was a distraction of who I really was. I also have made many great impressions on people over the course of my life that have brought many people into my life. Sometimes I didn't give everything I had, but most importantly, now when I am faced with this chapter, I am trying my best to mend the pieces of my life together again. I am trying my best to realize that my path is still good, and one that I can prosper with, and have a decent future ahead of myself. 

Crazy though, some days feel like the end, some feel like a new beginning, but mostly feel lost.  I wonder some days if what I've done for others has helped, shown them that their are some good people out here that genuinely care about others.  As if their aren't enough thank you's and nice things to say now a days .. But that's not for me to sit and worry about, it is though something I think of at times.  Especially times such as these, I must say that the things I've thought about have brought justice to the times when I couldn't spend time thinking on such questions. 

With all the time in the world, the most time alone, to think, to work on me, that I've had lately; I've often thought of all the time I gave others and continue to give. I ponder on the thought of why I even feel the way I do, why it has seemed as if everyone that once was, now questions me, as if I've changed, when really things in my life changed in a way many don't seem to purely understand. Which really isn't their responsibility, but when they question me, when I tell them how and why, I am the way I am now, they should at least consider what I say.  But that's slim to none, and most of all, the biggest thing that has diminished is the effort of people including themselves in my life, The ones I thought did that effortlessly before, seem like I'm just out the way for most of them now.  With that being said, I can understand that's how life is, and sometimes your calling is to walk alone, truly alone, until you can find your path again to be around people that truly want to be around you, and enjoy being in your life. 

The hardest part of it all is adjusting to the fact that life goes on, and no matter what is going on, you must walk forward.  At least for me that's always been the case, I've had no problem before, I shouldn't have one now. I try my best daily understanding that I love, honor, and cherish my life, and everyone in it, but there have been times lately where I have noticed that people push you to be selfish at times.  It pushes you to question your emotions, and the selfishness you pick, when honestly others cause you to think in such ways.

The mistakes, the problems I have caused, I apologize, forgive me if I ever drove anyone away from me, my life.  It is never anything I wanted, but I realize how important it is to keep going, to stay true no matter who wants to be in your life, no matter who pays attention.  The fragility of emotions becomes a thing I must conquer and I can say that though everything, I have been making strides on understanding, what it is I need to do, where I need to go.  The direction of my life, is definitely led to many questions, sometimes doubt, but never a sense of failure, or giving up.  Although the feelings of pain, hurt, and being alone, sometimes haunt my ever running mind. I must continually work on myself, to move forward, from everything that may hold me down, everything that will not move me in the direction I need to take myself. 

I know why I’m here, I know why I’m up at this time of the night, I know why I can barely sleep, I know the reasons upon reasons.  I just don’t know why I even reason.  Because when you break down all the reasons, you end up only stepping back from the true reason of you.  To just live, to just be.

When life seems to change almost all it’s normal ways, you realize what you had, is only what you thought you had, and was temporary life, just as temporary as we all are.  

It is important for me to recognize what is, what I can control, the true love that is within for such life, for such a future, so that I can ready myself for when it is right in front of my face.  So that when it does show up, I will know, I will be better prepared. I can show myself, standing in front of the life I've worked for, and show life, that I’ve come with dedication to keep it going, and move forward. 

*Thank you to all, that try to continue to love, to stay true, giving their all to those they love.  It is important to never let go, to continue trying on the simple reasons we begin and always will love someone.  Never lose focus, on what carries the love you have for yourself, as it is something that someone else will one day love you for, forever.  

MK

‘15

I told you it was Beautiful

I remember when I would go to sleep,

thinking of us, mastering out our next visit,

when I could see your beautiful face, listen to your voice,

Your presence was one that always gave me joy,

Like never before, as I would tell you randomnly,

I love you, I miss you, Wish you were here,

Ask you during the day what you were doing,

How is your day, hope all is going well my love.

I can remember being missed, your calls, the random acts,

The kindness, the innocence, we shared,

The arguments, our smart ass mouths,

Yap yap yap, as we had no worries, because we knew,

Love conquers all.

Nothing was awkward, even our silence was amazing,

Helping each other along the roads we discovered together,

Backbone they say, I like to think of it a bit deeper than such,

My life’s reflection, everything I’m not, everything I wish I could be,

with me, always beside me, loving me.

Something so real, a real that once we knew, only we cared about,

Giving my all, showing I cared was most important,

Every time I saw you, it reminded me of my dreams,

I told you it was beautiful, I told you we were beautiful.

Those days, even these days,

My heart always gives my all for you,

We can let these days go by, as long as we are ok,

I’m comfortable telling you all the things I’ve always felt,

Always have been, I thank you,

Letting go of the old things, to move on to better times,

I think of all the good, we can create for us,

The pressure of life can distract you,

But it never takes away from the core, the real, the love,

We share,

When I realized we were a team,

no matter where we are, we are two that,

Help one another get happy, find a way, find life,

In one another,

for that I love you, for that I will forever care for you, 

I will forever be by your side,

As I always told you, you were the one that I never wanted see go away.

Although you have decided what is best, for you,

I have struggled, but prospered,

Understanding love so much more, on a level higher than ever before,

lost thinking of you, just how I was when I first met you.

Wondering how you are, wishing I was with you, hoping to hear your voice,

hear you say I miss you, call me sweet names, as you always did,

making me feel everything would always be alright.

But that is not what unfolds,

I think, I wish, alone mentally,

because of what is,

But, I go back and think how easy it was,

to be by your side when we first met,

I remember the countless things, you would tell me,

I’m the man of your dreams,

The one for you, family, kids, all of the things I always wanted, and longed for,

Graces my thoughts,

Thoughts of our future, thoughts of now, thoughts of tomorrow,

I just want you to be happy,

with or without me,

as I never imagined the day,

I couldn’t seem to make you happy,

Just like I never saw the day,

I would have the chance to love you.

No matter what, everybody is someone’s everything.

I hope you find the happiness you are searching for, as I will be smiling, knowing   It can definitely be found. Just hold on to it when you find it, as that is the only way to understand, the beauty of life. 

MK

15'

The Definitive Thank You!

Sometimes in life, you must take a step back, refocus, and get your mentality back.  This was something I needed, and had to do.  For the past six months, I have struggled with many emotions, and life in general, as I saw many things I once lived for, change in front of my eyes. But with that being said, I never looked at this as failure, although I did at times, have much self-doubt pour over me, it never brought me to the point of feeling defeated. I credit this to my friends, my father and myself.  Through out these tough times, I have never in my life seen the support and kindness from others, when I was at my lowest.  Although I did see some vanish and do everything but what they once said they would, as for being a friend.  I never looked at that part as an issue, but more of an eye opener. It opened my eyes, to the true care of some of the few people in my life, that once were a distant memory, some new, and some most of all were always there.

I took a step back in life yes, I removed myself from social media, yes, I didn't communicate as much to many of those vanished people, yes, but I stayed true to those that showed love.  Most importantly I stayed true to myself during such times, when everything seemed to go the other direction.  This is the true victory, on this day, on a day when I was shown why I always strive, why I always stay confident, why I express myself the way I do, love and work as hard as I always have.  Dedication is the word I'm looking for, dedication to myself and those that are dedicated in such ways as well.  

Although I celebrate a victory today per say, this is not about me, as this is for the ones that have been by my side,  that have motivated me, talked to me when no one else would, kept me on their minds when I could have sworn, people were turning mindless.  These individuals helped me reestablish the once memory of great friends, and have stood the test of these emotional times with me.  I am forever grateful for such people, such friends, that I can say have seen me through the roughest times.  They have made this day possible for me, always having me looking forward, reminding me that this day would come, kept me humble, and patient through it all, so I thank you for that, with my all!

The countless nights, I sat up thinking and needing to talk, the times I wanted to be alone, cry, and laugh, just ride around and get out of the house, or just have some company, these few people made me smile.  On a individual level, it has been a lonely year, for many reasons, but on the other hand, I have gained some great friendships along the way.  I'm proud to look back on this time, and say, I don't look at it as such a bad thing anymore, that I can smile because of you all. 

No matter what, I understand that my life has changed, but this isn't the first time, and surely won't be the last.  So much time to self reflect and understand my life, from an angle I never had the chance to look from, which showed me so much.  The most important take away from it all, are two things. 

• Life has a unique way of showing you, where you need to go, what you need to do, and who you really are.

• Sometimes we must lose ourselves, before we can find anything.

I must thank a few people:

Dad: You have spent a lifetime, being here for me, I will spend the rest of my life, loving you and thanking you for just that.  The patience you have shown me, motivating me, always making sure I was ok, during everything I have expressed to you, woke me up daily, and allowed me to sleep peacefully, even minutes between that weren't so happy. We have spent so much quality time together since I've been home, and it has really opened a new chapter in our lives, thank you for just being so opened armed no matter what I choose to do, the father role you take on, is and always will be the same, for that I love you, and appreciate you every moment we share. 

Cecilia: Where can I begin, I have known you since you were 9 years old. Through out the past few years, you have always been someone I could talk to, about anything.  Who would have known that I would be in the position I was in.  As a friend, you are the epitome of just that and more, family, someone I can cry in front of, laugh with, and most of all, always feel accepted.  As I step into whatever chapter ahead of me, always know, I am always here for you, for anything, you can count on me, just like I always counted on you.   Thank you for being patient, with my talks, and understanding where I was coming from.  Thank you for checking up on me, as for I can remember there was not a day you did not check up on me for about 3 years now lol.  For all your time, has been appreciated, and definitely noticed for a lifetime to come. My friend, I love you, and always wish nothing but the best for you.

Bibbins: Bro, I know you're not to be reading thank you's and all, with your hard heart haha, but I appreciate all you have done over the past years we have communicated.  Through this patch of time, we have brought our business together and still made moves, you motivated me, to keep my part of the label alive, and you kept me busy when I had no work to do.  The late night advice, and talks over lunch, unforgettable, and even if you already know, helped me and I can say brought our bond, and business relationship even tighter. So to you thank you brother, and to our company, may it prosper, and do everything we always dreamed and continue dreaming of accomplishing with it. AME!

Chris, Debra, Amanda, my god children: thank you for everything, the times we shared cooking out, hanging out laughing and just having a good time, really helped me cope with a lot of the things I was going through, you all have no idea.  When all was gone, you all were there.  I appreciate that, and I hope I have done the same for you, and will continue doing as much as I can going forward.  Love you all always.

Matthew: For everything it's worth, our talks have been some of the most heartfelt I have had in some time with you over this period.  You almost had me tripping for a minute though, you know what I'm talking about.  But we already discussed that one.  Bro, you have gone out your way for me, always, for years now.  I appreciate our friendship, rare to find, love you man. Thanks for guiding me, as you always have. 

Diandra: My friend, we got reconnected on the fly, but it was so needed, as we were both going through hard times.  This reconnected friendship has been one, of importance for the both of us.  We have helped each other so much with our issues, and we both are on the right path for now.  If anything, I know I can always reach out to you and ask for advice, thank you for being one of the few that was concerned for me daily, and always cheering for me. I have definitely gained a life long friend! Much love!

Randy:  Man!!!! I just thanked you a few weeks ago, but you have always had my back through all this.  Thank you for trying daily to reach out, and most importantly all the things you did to try to land me on the right path.  You are all the way in Atlanta, and some of the work you did for me, was felt right at home. I thank you for being a true friend for over 7 years now, and showing how friends really should be.  Love you bro! I owe you!

Nikki: As times have shifted so have many things about life. But that doesn't take anything away from the friendship and love you showed me over the years.  Thank you for being a ear, and voice for me through everything.  As when I look back, their weren't many days I could have gotten through without you there. I hope all is well with you, I'm proud of you always.

Austin: Cuzzo, I don't have to say anything, other than I know you will always be here for me, as you damn sure know I'm here for you always as well. Love you family!

Brittany: One of the few that checks on me daily, I thank you with everything I have.  I appreciate the times I shared with you and your family over the times, I had fun, we had fun, that was special. Funny how things can sometimes bring us closer although we have been friends for over 10 years now lol. Love you hun! Thanks for always being there to talk to!

Tarver:My brother that has seen me through it all, thank you once again for being there. I look forward to what is ahead for the both of us, I will see you soon enough. Much love family.!

Megan: always someone I can count on to hear me out, and the same goes to you,  Thanks for all the wise words, the motivation you provided me, and most of all a friendship that has represented what a true friendship is. I always wish the best for you and logan. Love ya!

Casey: I can never count you out, as you have always had my back. Simple yes, but a friendship of a lifetime! Thanks for all the advice! Love ya! As I am always thinking of you and yours!

Josh:  The trip to Miami, was the first time i had quality time to spend with my life long brother.  I love you to death, and I appreciate you always being there even though you are miles away, I always feel at home when we talk no matter the distance. I love you brother!

If and when someone calls me out for leaving them off the list, remember, I have not forgotten about you, although some should ask, have you forgotten about anyone?  I love you all as well..

Bitterness has no place in my life.  As I remain humble, and remember all people for what they were worth. 

I'll end with this, 

I've learned that who doesn't look for you, doesn't miss you, doesn't care for you....

That destiny determines who enters your life, but you decide who stays...

That truth hurts only once, and a lie every time you remember one...

Three things in life that will leave you and never return,

WORDS, TIME, and OPPORTUNITIES.

Therefore, value whoever values you, and never treat those as a priority, that treat you as an option.

Thank you!

MK  15'

To The Most Deserving

I can say so much about you,

Think of memories, 

That gave me life,

Opportunities to smile,

Chances to learn, and grow,

Freedom, that made me who I am.

Thanks to you for the memories,

of a love that has been life long,

naturally pure every step of the way,

the way everyone should love,

care and heart that I've never found,

in anyone else, through the path,

of the life we've shared, together.

Time, well I'm sure in your eyes,

It's gone quicker than I can ever imagine,

You've always been there,

Preparing me, guiding me,

ever so slightly, showing me,

what means most in the life,

you have come to know, and understand,

for this at it's core,

Is one of the hardest things,

To genuinely find in anyone, in my world.

Father, Dad, Pops, Mike,

are the names you go by,

there is no one else more grateful,

Appreciative, and honored,

to have a man of your character,

to call upon, with such well deserved,

life titles, to describe who you are,

What you stand for, who you mean most to,

the father of my thoughts,

the one I think about when I walk every path,

the man that has been through it all,

not only for me, but with me,

for that you're forever loved, by me,

Your son.

Through out my days, 

I've seen you transpire into, 

My best friend, 

a relationship that if simply explained,

would be only simply understood by most,

but be sure, the dedication,

You have shown me in everything you do,

has built me to be who I am,

When I stand in front of you,

it is the sole result, of just that,

Our family, our lives, built by a father with,

love, and great instincts, 

that over time, I've been grateful,

To understand, as the purest love of all.

Everyday I'm reminded of you,

No matter the path, 

no matter the choice,

but what stands out the most,

Everyday, I always have my father,

I'm never left knowing nothing about you,

always knowing I can reach you,

As you are always right there with me,

making sure I'm loved, and smiling.

On a day, they call your day,

I want you to know,

that everyday at it's core,

Is your day, to me, your son,

I always want you to feel,

That everything you have shown me,

I strive to show you as well,

So that along the way,

You always will understand,

The father you are,

The man you are,

The quiet heroics, 

that I appreciate, that I admire,

as I will always be here for you, 

when you need,

The love, the son, you gave your all to,

As I am, forever & always,

Your son, 

to the most deserving,

Happy Father's Day Pops!

MK. 15'