Effort for Life

As you grow in life, life grows with you, showing you and guiding you through different paths, shaping everything about you.  The more time you spend figuring out your life, trying to shape your life, you realize how little control you have. You have few moments in life that fulfill expectations, which are rewarding and usually taken for granted.  But life is mostly filled with unexpected moments that we can’t plan for, expect, and appreciate when they happen.  These moments are the ones that allow us to grow, create better people, and allow us to understand what life is, and most importantly how special out short time here really is. I have been writing about these moments for a long time, but I recently had one that showed me so much, it brought about so many thoughts, and gave me a new perspective.  Surprisingly  it expelled emotions of the past, that guided this moment, and also new emotions which shaped the moment.  To say the least it was one experience that allowed me to understand this portion of my life in a clear way, which not long ago was clouded and unexpected. 

Not many know the true story behind my family, and that’s fine, things seemed to happen fast even in our eyes.  But again this goes back to what I said, unexpected moments are life most plentiful moments.  I remember the first time I met my future step daughter, how scared I was I would scare her away, leave a bad impression, thinking she wouldn’t like me for the smallest imperfections which I carry many. I remember asking her mother countless times, do you think she will like me, what should I do or say, how should I act?  Planning things out like that seems redundant because it never goes as planned or how we think, but we still all over concern ourselves with things we have barely any control over.  Once again I was at a crossroad in life, of trying to figure out if I was ready for such a challenge, one that could alter or shape the future of my days forever.  I knew going in as soon as I met her, I could do two things walk away and possibly ruin everything me and her mother had, including her daughters hopes at having a stable male figure in her life. Or do everything her mother has never experienced out of a man, and help be the male figure her daughter longed for for 8 years. I thought I was growing with life up until this point, but life was growing on me.  I made the best decision and stayed.

I had no idea how fragile time is until we started our family.  It seems like yesterday all this was right in front of me, fresh, new, and so different.  Now my life surrounds these two ladies, including our almost 1 year old daughter which is growing by the second, literally. Life has a funny way of showing you, how much time we take for granted.  We have and always will be in a unique situation, but that portion of the life we chose between us four, has been something we have all had a part in before.  My relationship with both sides of my family, her relationship with her family, and my step daughters relationship with her father.  They are all unique, torn and molded with love and mystery.  How can this happen? Why? Well thats the part in life we control, that some of us don’t do such a good job at, which leaves people broken.  It happens when we take what we can control for granted, for example the fact that my step-daughters father didn’t see Logan until she was 3, the fact that no-one but my father has seen my daughter more than once, the fact I have seen my mother a total of 5 times in almost 20 years, and so forth.  All these chapters, are broken, because of lack of knowledge, lack of courage and effort.  No excuses, can bare the fact of time wasted.

The challenge is to break through those broken times and begin controlling the situation, no matter how much time has been wasted, that can be earned back with the little time we have left going forward.  Although we have no idea how much time we have, it should serve as motivation to try harder, to regain whatever may be left of the time we have with people. This is a lesson that was pushed and built over time, with the relationship I had with a few individuals over the course of my life, including my mother.  I knew at a early age that if i put in no effort, I would waste the potential path of rebuilding the relationship with my mother that was once null, and seemed lost.  Even if that meant visiting, calling, reaching out, and being the only one to do that over a course of time, which made me feel doubtful or disrespected.  It built courage that if I could get through this by trying, then trying is the least of the things I could complain about doing.  It is the only answer to the equation of building a better future, at least the part we try to control.  As I have always believed our effort is the power of all emotions, it gives you everything and more in this life, than anything else we can do.

Just a short time ago, I was introduced to a situation in which my step daughter and partner struggled with the fact that her father was not in her life, as need be.  It came to our surprise, including mine that he began to reach out randomly, after a year plus of being with these ladies.  I was hesitant at first because of my emotions towards the situation, and the simple fact that I guard those close to me from being hurt any further.  Most understand that portion of this clearly, as most would do the same.  Although I tend to share the responsibility very well of guarding her, I know her mother, will be there every step of the way.  So I was a back seat rider for most of this time, just here if need be.  Quite frankly they know this situation better than me, and have dealt with it much longer than I have, so I let it go.  Thinking and asking questions along the way, both to my self and to them.  What are his motives? Why now? Where has he been? Do you think she even wants to talk to him? Does she even know him? How do you feel?  Most of these questions were answered, with a common denominator, he’s done this before, we just wait for him to go away as usual.  This bothered me, but exposed much over the course of the past few months, where I would often think of my life, the way I was left wondering the same questions, the questions my father asked himself and I over the course of my life as well.

It wasn’t until last weekend, where I ventured out on a road trip to Atlanta with the girls, to see her half sister, (same father different mother) for her birthday party.  I was timid over the planning of this, as I knew before hand he was coming down for his other daughters party, and would be there when we arrived.  Why hasn’t he ever came down for my step-daughters parties, or major events, (including birth) which he ditched my partner for 8 years ago.  Why now? Why should we even involve her in this, just to get hurt again?  But the little one, now acting so grown, seemed excited, probably mostly to see her best friend a bond they have seemingly shared for a while, thanks to their bold and generous mothers, that made sure they both knew and grew to know each other as should be. It was only right when I got asked to go, that I was all in, with the girls, there to experience this situation all hands in, on the front lines.  Nevertheless I am with them every day, I know them better than he does, and would not leave them in this awkward time for anything.  So i proceeded with the family, the blended family I had to learn to share time with someone I heard so many negative things about, and risk a child’s emotions for her own good, it’s for the children. 

Instantaneously she is all over her dad, like they have seen each other everyday for 8 years.  I sat back and watched and let them be, thinking about the moments when I would visit my mother and it was the same way after years of seeing her.  It’s a bond that nothing can come between, well other than lack of parenting. I was happy for her, but at the same time questionable, if I am doing a good job, what about our bond.  Her mother, reminds me often how much I mean, but I see now how much this means for her, to see him.  Sitting on the outside looking in on this one, was a first for me, as this was really the first child I made myself responsible for taking care of, that I made mine in so many ways.  It was a moment of clarity because I know what goes for me, goes for her dad vice versa effect, in which he forced himself out, and is trying to regain the inside vision and access to his biological daughters life. That was heart felt as well, but something in me needs proof this is real, as I was still in limbo with the rest of them, as to if this was genuine or not.

It seemed genuine, I didn’t really speak to him, for the first portion of the day, it was a kids party, I figured if any speaking needed to be done, he would need to approach.  Seems the opposite of my character from what most know of, but I felt it was only right not to interfere.  I have the upper hand regardless already, I just wanted to make sure the girls were ok, if so, I’m good.  This didn’t take the worry away, but made me realize what was, and how I would like it to be, on the discretion of the children. As the party wrapped up, I nodded my head, and wanted to get out of there, but we went to her sisters house across town, for a quick little meet up before everyone went their own way.  Again there he was, as we waited for him, he arrived.  Surprisingly we were called into a meeting in one of the rooms, by her sister’s mother. I’m in a unfamiliar place, wondering what should I say, so many emotions running through my mind, what should I ask.  I decided to sit in this round table like discussion. Included were the following. Logans Dad, his child with his current partner, Jennifer the mother of his other child, Me and Logans mom, and my daughter.  As blended as you can get, and a huge cluster f**k if you ask me.  Never in my life did I expect this to be a situation I would be in, plan for, or even imagine.  But somehow it felt like my duty, like I have waited long for this, I could flourish in a situation like this being a single child and experiencing a hard time myself at the same age, divorce, split and mystery.  

I waited for Logans dad to speak, this mysterious figure that caused Logan to cry at night, and so many other stories I heard, I was as silent and attentive as possible. He mentioned how he was grateful for me and the other father figure in helping raise both his children from afar, as he had made mistakes in the past that took him away from being a father.  He wanted  response right away but I knew he had more to say so I just shook my head, and waited for the right time.  He said something that brought me full circle, I want to make things right again, between me and my two daughters, especially Logan, because I have learned from my mistakes and it’s time for me to grow up and be a true father figure.  He thanked me and mentioned that he would never interfere with what we had going on, but asked if I would support his new goal, and continue doing what I was doing.  This meant more than anything else that day, to hear this from someone that has missed out on so much, just like my mother never mentioned until recently in a conversation we had. 

I looked him in the eyes and told him that as long as Logan and Meg are ok, and doing good, i have no reason to get in the way of you getting to know your daughter, but that full effort must be done on your part to understand and get to know her.  To not expect me to do much on his part on this road, but be there for the little girl I have grown to love so much.  Reminded him to never lose sight of the fact that we have time ahead of us, and if done right, things can be good.  I also refreshed his mind by telling him that in no shape or form has she ever called you anything but her father, and that he has a good chance to make things right with effort. I thanked him for the courage to face all of his history including the new and fresh, and shook his hand.  We took a quick picture at the end and left.  So many questions still linger. But one thing is solid in all of us.  This is for the kids.  Everything else really doesn’t matter. Other than effort, effort to break through the things that we find a hard time thinking about, or finding the effort to dedicate, for the answers in life, that we are meant to figure out ourselves. 

I hope that this effort on my part and my families goes further than I originally expected, and shows the few that need it, how special it is to reach out further than you know how, to gain a clear respect of life.  I hope nothing but the best for my step daughter to learn and experience life with out mis guided effort from the people that should always show her true love, including myself. In respect, the effort that you put in for the things that come at you unplanned define your life, as for things that seem planned are rarely the things that define your character. 

For Logan

-MK  May 17’

Time Knows Us, Much More Than We Think We Know Time

Time knows us, much more than we think we know time. 

It's always interesting to look back, and reflect. It brings us together more than we realize, we speak to compare, we compare to feel, and in essence we feel for each other.  But the bottom line is, what was, is just that, it is behind us, it is something that taught us, and forever lives within us all. For this simple notion of thoughts and feelings, It is important to look back at times, to cherish the lessons, absorb the feelings that may have been forgotten in a ever fast life we live.  Time forgets nothing, but we tend to forget the path here, the road work it took to build that path, and most of all, where in that path we’re at now. 

The year is wrapping up, and it's such a special time, the holidays are upon us, and it's time to spend those quality moments with those we love & adore.  It's also a moment we have time off from the regular grind of things, and I try to take some of this time to self reflect on where I've been, and where I'm going.  Call it a unforgiving self evaluation, where I examine what this year brought, what I brought to it, and what in the end it panned out to be. 

Two Thousand Sixteen, wow, what a year.  The emotions, the unforgiving time, the happiness, the overall grind, of each day, unforgettable, unwittingly gritty and most of all, enjoyable.  I grew so much this year, the exact moment I thought I've seen or felt it all, I was so wrong.  This year showed me so much different, it gave me a new life, a new name, a new sense of moral, and most of all, patience. 

How different, well let me begin by saying that before this year, everything fell back on me, what I needed, wanted, my dreams, my goals. This year humbled me, gaining a family, in which I stepped up to a challenge I never saw myself before, even considering.  The challenge wasn't something that was a negative one, but more of the form of questionable, where I wondered and often thought, of myself not being prepared, or being the person I needed to be to do the best I could.  A relationship with a child that isn't mine biologically, well it turned heads quick, around the family, on both ends, and friends, well let's just say the questions fired in like crazy. Are you ready? Will you be able to handle a 7 year old? Do you think it's worth it? What if it doesn't work out? Where is her dad at? Why now? Yes, I'll admit I was never fond of that situation, but who is, ever? You want to be with someone naturally that carries your children, not someone else's, so yea I came in thinking differently, and many people tried to keep me thinking as such. But this was different, knowing that I knew Megan for a very long time, and we were friends for a while, years in fact, she was special beyond words. So I shot down the doubt, both internally and externally, and went for it. Let's not forget I had to break down a barrier Megan had as well for the protection of her little girl, Logan. So precious she is, I can still remember the first time I met her, we went to eat, then to target, and I found myself with Logan in the toy isle, and she was talking up a storm about some toys.  As I looked around, Megan was not in direct sight, so I kept going with the conversation with Logan, and I remember specifically Logan holding my hand while talking. As I looked around for Megan continuously, I noticed her down the other isle, starring and smiling. That moment told me everything, this is not so much about you, this is about them, and most importantly, Logan! 

It was around thanksgiving of 2015, when I remember my phone going off beside me, and Megan very quietly saying hello.  I figured she felt she woke me up, but I was awake, no doubt waiting on her call as she lived in Atlanta at the time, which kept us apart most of the week. She told me in a quiet manner that she needed to tell me something, and although it took her a few minutes, she whispered “ I’m pregnant”… Of course, I feel she was nervous I was going to be scared, or nervous, but I surprised her to say the least.  Happy and excited I knew it was time, I had my reasons to feel captured by the moment, and it didn’t take but a few seconds to be convinced that was the best news I’ve ever received.  But I knew i faced a battle to make sure she was ok, she had been through so much with the last failure at this attempt of raising a beautiful child, with two parents.  But I quickly ensured her, that no matter what happened to us, that our future will always include both children in my life.  It took her some time to get over the initial fear of the revisit of past memories, but she believed me, and most of all trusted her self to be in this situation, as I did.  So we both sat on the phone that night for a few hours, and talked, and wondered, and got to planning, our future, in a way many people fear, shy away from, or do not adhere to in such ways.  For that I believe we will be forever grateful for, and most of all, proud of when we decide to look back, or when the children ask about our past when we are older. 

Of course I mentioned all this because the natural process flew fast into 2016, and when i look back at this year, all I can think about is just that.  We were over taken by all the time, emotions, and planning of such a massive event in both of our lives.  It was my first time, going through something so important, and gratifying to a point of unselfishness, I still can’t explain entirely. If I had to compare such to a feeling once had, I would say it’s like the first time you experience a life or death moment, and you realize how fragile time can be, and how you wish some moments could be relived.  I noticed quickly how fast time moved, when she was pregnant with our baby girl, and how fragile those moments became.  But I think we handled them well, we thought things through, and more often than not, we had to act quicker than most wanted us to, but we knew at this time we had to do things for US, not them.  Megan made a commitment to move back to SC, and we got a place together in the city we met almost 10 years ago.  Amazing how things come back together, there is no doubt in my eyes, this was how it was supposed to go for me..  

I sat and pondered like I can do so well, as I spend time to make sure my thoughts are in order, and pure to how I feel.  I deciphered the thoughts and made sure everything was right, of course that never works out the way I want it to.  Somethings were harder than others, like getting adjusted to taking care of a child that is not biologically mine, and making sure I do everything in my power to show her, I’m here for her to be loved, not to replace her father. I wanted to do what was best, and at times it back fired, because I was still learning how to be a better person, and most of all a father figure to a child that I was still getting to know. I had to adjust the ways of life so that Megan had everything she needed, the care, the love, the cravings, the supporting figure she always lacked in a man that she desired to be by her side.  But again, I adjusted, and she made that easiest for me, by allowing me to understand, as I listened to her heart through out the days.  Things worked out for our favor over the 9 months, and the most important feeling we all shared during that time of bonding, was the feeling of family.  That will be forever appreciated by me, no doubt it had a profound impact not only on the year of 2016, but my lifetime ahead. She was the mother figure I always wished I had, and I get to share those special moments with her, it really showed me how great of a mother, an person she is, what a beautiful process for me. 

The wait was over, and even though I write about it like we had much time, we really felt time went by very fast.  Our daughter was here, and I was there for it all.  I wasn’t missing a beat, July 13th, my year, my life, my future changed forever. I remember my father rushing to the hospital and him and I talking in the hall way for a few minutes before I went in the room to be with Megan as we were waiting on her arrival. That was the moment where my nerves calmed to a point of knowing everything would be ok, if the one that raised me, was proud, and trusted the process of me becoming a father.  I watched her come into this world, closer than most men probably would desire, but I wanted to make sure I was the first person she saw, as I knew her mother was the first person she loved.  She was beautiful, and so was life, so was my family.

This year, for one was a new life.  I grew, but most importantly gained so much more out of life, more than I ever expected. More than I ever knew, but I enjoyed every moment.  Other than gaining a family, I grew as a person, in ways I never knew I could.  I remember a vivid moment this year, where I felt alone,  after having Alexa, after committing myself to being a father, everyone vanished.  I don’t know what happened, but it hit me hard.  The people I was there for the most, haven’t even seen Alexa yet, some I’ve never heard from.  But I’ve come to a understanding with life, that I never truly cared to understand before, because of my position in my life, as a single child, with a small family base.  No matter where I’m at, I’ll be ok with out them, I’ve prospered and failed without them, so nothing changes, other than the physical, because the mental must remain the same in order to go forward. As every level in life, demands a new you, a new me.

As I reflect on such a time period, a short one as I look back, many emotions take over, but the main thing I can take away from this year, is LIFE..  For the first time ever I see how life treats the patient one, how life can teach lessons you thought you knew, and how irreplaceable time really is.  I’ve been through a lot to this point, but have learned that my short comings, are nothing to be shamed about, but proud about, because I’ve learned so much along the way..

Now, I can say I’m a father, a proud one, that takes so much from his own dad.  I can say I love you to the three women that care and love me just as much, everyday.  I’ve learned that the chances I take, are all for the life I want for them, and the smiles I want to see.  I can feel the proud moments, and the effort more than ever before, and the motivation is never a rare thing, as every morning, I’m thinking of the next moment with my family, and how to make those moments better for all of us.

I hope going forward, I can learn to be a better father, the best father to both my little Alexa, and to Logan.  I hope Megan and I continue learning from each other’s love and care for one another, and our family to build a stronger relationship every moment we can.  I hope life gets easier, just like everyone does, but I hope we have the patience to take our troubling moments and turn them into positive ones.  I hope we are all in good health, to watch each other grow, spend time with each other, laugh, and be there for each other when the tears are there as well. As I drive myself daily to provide better, I hope for more time, although I know we can’t change it. Although I know i have no idea about time, I hope we have enough of it when we look back next time.  

*Thank you to everyone that has helped us this year, and been by our side. You know who you are. 

I love you Megan, you’re by far the best mother I have ever known, thank you for sharing your heart with me, and our family.

Logan you continue teaching me everyday, how to be a better person, as I watch you grow, you continue to amaze me every step of the way.  Keep being the sweet wonderful girl your mom wants you to be, and imagine that anything is possible, as you have brought my imagination to another level every day.  I love you.

Alexa, your father will always love you, no matter what. I enjoy everyday with you, you have made my life complete, and with a wonderful mother as well, you and your sister will always be ok.  I promise.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds, but lets enjoy today as much as we can, it’s all we truly have. 

~ As time knows us, much more than we know time ~

Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!  

-MK  Dec. 16’

Splitting Image (Fathers Day 16)

I woke up today thinking of you, as I do just about everyday.  It's a natural thought for me, the kind that takes over, the most important for that moment, the one thought that has always been natural.  I began to lay there, and just flip though the memories, we shared, the conversations, the certain events in our lives that shaped the both of us.  I was reminded how close we are, how close life has enabled us to be, and that truly brings something out of me each time the thought comes up.  I can't help but praise the thoughts of you, your presence in my life no matter what path I take, and the continuous support you've always promised me.   It's amazing, because no matter where I go, I know the thought of you stays, reminding me of the important things you taught me, the wise words you gave me, everything you showed me, stays.  So in essence you are, and always have been the only person in my life, that has remained with me no matter the time, the place, or moment.  That has been the most amazing part of my life, to simply know, truly how unconditional love feels, and I thank you for that.

Today is special, for the both of us, as its always been a celebration of us, the love we share,  the life we have.  But today marks a turning point, one which has been here for some time, one that has been embraced by the two of us, gently, and joyfully.  This day is for two, and I can't help but smile and think how much has changed in such a short time and how you prepared me for such a chapter. It's special knowing I have the guidance of the life you have given me, plus the life we continue to share now going forward.  All the different chapters we wrote, have come together in different parts of my life, to show me, why and how things truly are, and what to do when faced with such, but this one, this one showed me how much in common we really are.

A splitting image of you, in more ways than one, I notice it without anyone telling me anymore. Before I thought it was cliché, something people just said to pass time.  But the day I noticed it, was the day I believed how much I live with you in my heart, and for that I am grateful, because I wouldn't want it any other way.

This one is special, this one is probably the most deserving, as you embark in another chapter of father hood.  I couldn't be more excited for the both of us, the grandfather stage, and I know you will be a great one.  It seems as if the time has flown by these past months, with anticipation, getting things ready, but one thing has stayed consistent, I have not doubted one time in all these months, that I'm ready for this moment.  With such a great supporting cast, and such a great family that I have now, I can say this has been the most heart felt experience I've ever had.  It has truly shown me so many different things, as I know this chapter of being a father, will keep me learning forever.  As I saw in you all these years, I know how much I shaped your life, Im just lucky enough to be able to still do the same, and for us to be able to spend time together, and get prepared for one of the most important moments of our lives.

So Happy Fathers Day to the two that never separated, never gave up, never stayed closed mouth, and never cared about anything but our happiness. 

In the end, I know people will always remember us for being "Us", and to me, thats the everything.


I love you, as always


Happy Fathers Day!


-MK 16'

An everlasting announcement ..

I remember growing up, like it was yesterday. Even today, I grow up everyday, learning, to admire what is. Growing up mostly with my father through the years taught me life's greatest lessons. So many of those lessons, were in essence how to be a father, a great one he was and still is. I have carried those lessons with me through everything, my character, my abilities, the way I love, and cherish life.

But along with that came much searching, for the person I wanted to be. But I never doubted that I wanted to be a father some day, and share my love with a family, a family that I had a part in building, a family that cares, and will forever be part of my life. That is what I wanted to complete my search for myself. As if these two, haven't already shown me enough. I know that our addition to our family, my first child, will forever teach me, and guide me, into knowing that life isn't about what you know all the time, but what you learn along the way, that makes it special and worth living for.

Can't wait for the road ahead, to show me exactly why my father loved me as much as he continues to do for all these years.

For my love, I adore you, with my all, and couldn't be more excited for us, as the days roll, and we get closer to our date. Aug. 1st.

... lets get started, and enjoy life together. :)