Purpose...

Lately well today, was just one of the days, I thought about all of the days. Well I take that back, today, was usual but also unusual, it was like the rest of the days, but something gave me hope for a new day, but at the same time that seems like everyday…

It’s one of those things, those things you think about, you think and rely on, to give you clarity, you think about it a lot, the clarity seems to come and go, but the thoughts just seem to give you more & more to think about.

You remember, you remember all the things that can give you hope, the things that give you pain, so that you can push through the so called “hard times” and realize the “good times”, only to find yourself thinking about everything in the middle, that truly doesn’t even matter, when you sit and remember those things, you spend so much time thinking on.

You see, in life its all about your smiles and cries, its all you have, but we think we have more, we push for more, and we only come to realize that everything between those two emotions mean nothing, its almost like thats the reason we think, its the reason we think of our days, its almost like we hope for a reason for reasoning the unreasonable. 

Oh how little we know, when we venture out on our days, how much we know when we think, how much we want to know for tomorrow, and how much we know about yesterday.  But what do we know about today, when we are walking for today, nothing....

Controlling all but everything we know, controlling so much that we don’t know, just to know. Yea, its hard I know, being in control of so much, but so little, it’s crazy, it’s a feeling life takes a hold of, power, time, love, death, we don’t know anything but what we have a hold of, but wait, are you thinking about today, yesterday, tomorrow? Breathe, inhale, exhale, do you feel that?

The good life… Sunny, rainy, warm & cold, so beautiful but so ugly, give a chance for it to take over you, and show you the way. There are a few things, people don’t show you, but life shows you everything, thinking too hard, about what was, what is, what is near, gives you nothing, but memories, which can give you more thoughts to think about. But where is the purpose, where is your purpose.

The purpose of life, is now, where are you now, how are you, how does it smell, how does it taste, how does if feel… Feels good doesn’t it, knowing you still have a chance, knowing that no one can live that chance for you, that you are in control of the uncontrollable, that is if you allow yourself the chance to understand that you are in the position, that the world wants you to be in, lost, awake, found, excited, sad, and most of all, YOU.

So when you feel there is no where to go, how in the hell did you get where you are today?… It surely wasn’t because you didn’t think there wasn’t anywhere to go, it wasn’t because someone put you there, it definitely wasn’t anyone's fault, and for the negative people, it wasn’t because of them.

So give YOU, a shot, or should I say LIVE, because in the end, if you don’t LIVE, you served no purpose, and the purpose of life well…..

I’ll let you answer that.

1love

Truthfully

‘14

The dream of my life.

It has been a while since I wrote down any of my thoughts. So long actually, my writings may be of a different kind, from a different place, and most of all a different meaning. I took a voluntary break of sort, a break in which I had no need to share thoughts on paper, had no reason to fill in any blanks. To be exact its been over a year since the last time I've sat down and self reflected on my thoughts. During that time, I was caught in a chapter of my life I like to consider experimental, or in other words lost times.

Let me begin by saying life has never let me down, life continues to surprise me in ways, I could never imagine. I believe that is a good thing, although not always feasible for a growing mind, a mind that wants more, imagines more, and drives for more. I have faced so much in the time I've been away, which has left me with so many questions & answers. I was lost for so long, thinking I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, and forgetting, forgetting oh so much. I forgot so much that I forgot the simple rule, the number 1 rule, the rule I always told everyone to follow and continue saying so. The rule, well the rule is simple to say and hear, even listen to, but the rule is not easy to adhere to, the rule of following your dream(s). 

Everyone knows that they should follow their dream(s), we are told so, by mostly everyone in our lifetime. "Gotta follow your dreams, its the only way that you will be happy" Ive heard so many times. "Your dreams are the only way you will ever feel fulfilled" Ive also heard over and over again and again. But is it real, really real, is it something we can truly follow in this so called world, society, this life we so easily take for granted?  I think so yes, but I think of it differently, or at least I think so, but Im sure many share my same thoughts on one of life's great choices.

I say such to allow you to understand where I am currently. I am 25, young by many means, but in this life, this generation, older by most means. I have been working for 6 years now, worked through college doing managerial work at a storage center, busting ass for $10 per hour. I even had the courage to get a apartment with a friend of mine, which was greatness, even though later on we figured out we were both trying to live out of our means. I woke up one morning with the notification on my phone, letting me know I was fired, on my day off, for no reason other than the owner thought I wasn't fit for the current job he hired me for in the first place. I remember the 5 minute drive to give the owner the keys to the shop that day, and I asked him why he fired me, what I did wrong, he replied "you did nothing wrong, but I think its time for us to separate ways".  I walked out wanting to throw everything I had at that man I could, but I kept on walking, I got in my jeep and rode back home, knowing I was back at square one. Trying to chase my dream?

A few days passed by, and I got a call from someone at the hospital I knew in Barnwell,SC asking me to drop my resume off for a potential job. With no experience they wanted a resume for what I wondered, I have nothing to put down on a paper that would impress anyone for a job.  I went in for a interview and saw so many people I recognized, my whole family worked there at some point, pops, moms, cousins and such, my parents held high positions there all at one point. So this was a given.... I got the job a few days later, part time job doing clerical work admitting patients into the ER, both during 1st shift which was 7-3 or second shift 3-12, depending on what was needed, getting paid a wage of 8.57/hr, I was stoked to be honest. With that being said, the drive was an hour from where I lived, greatness right? Yea I didn't care one bit about anything but getting the job done. I excelled quickly and worked during part time work for 2 years. Loosing so much in the process, my time from my family, friends, and most importantly the life I had in Aiken. I moved from Aiken, and came back home where I still reside, to make ends meet at the time. Finally after so much trouble and time, I received notice I could apply for a full time position for what else but 3rd shift. This shift was from 12-8 at night.  The crazy shift we called it. My social life gone, my days gone, but I made it, still being a full time student at USCA, I continued being the driven student I was, still attending classes when ever I could. I remember one semester I would leave for work at 11pm to make it on time for work, ending my shift at 8a, driving an hour to Aiken, to take classes from 9-4p, then cruising back home to get some sleep and doing the same cycle all over again. Let me cut this short by saying I did all I could for 8.57/hr, and took so much from this experience, saw so many people, so many things, including so much death and sickness, for any 22 year old to take in at the time, and I took it like a champ, I was chasing a dream or was I?

Time went on, and I knew it was time for a change, I graduated from USCA in the 4 years, no less, no extra, I got it done. I felt I deserved more form the job, I applied for different positions now that I had a business degree, but nothing fell through, no raise, no promotions, not even a interview.  So I applied for months to different jobs, but no luck. I specifically heard that Verizon was a great place to work, so I finally applied for the 5th time, and got a call back. I got the position, and I remember being asked is 11.50/hr sound good plus commission advancement every month depending how much you sell, "OH, hell yea" I responded, she said, we just need your signature here, and you are officially on board. So after three years at 8.57/hr with no advancement, I now have moved up in the world, getting big money, big opportunities. I was chasing my dream. 

Now this is the time in which I took my break from writing down my thoughts.  I worked for 2 years at Verizon, almost everyday, with ridiculous hours and reward structure. The corporate world, has no true way of hiding it's ways, work harder for less. Yes the money was good, better than before, I was able to experience so much during the two years, met some great people, and worked with great ones as well. But one thing was missing, my happiness, my purpose, in which I could not seem to grasp at any time during my stay there. As much as I tried I could not seem to find any enjoyment at the job, but I still managed to do a good job, and have a pretty good track record doing so. But I was chasing a dream my dream.

So what is this dream, what is this that I am chasing, more filler on a resume, more money, more experience for the next person to tell me I qualify? Because none of those things have helped me in the past, yeah they have somewhat provided for more things, that never matter when you look at them, when you truly look at them. You see, I didn't type out a resume in the previous paragraphs, although some people would read that in such fashion.  I look at it as different chapters, different experiences, that have shaped the way I feel about labor, corporate america, and the world we live in today.  By no means am I saying there isn't any happiness in the above, but I am saying that is not the dream, at least not my dream.

In all honesty, I have no clue what is coming next, but the feeling I am having of creating for myself, and living for a greater purpose than just another companies morals and code of ethics is carrying me through these hard times. I have put my path of success in other peoples hands for too long, I have allowed them to shape my experiences, allowed them to label me with money, time, and work ethic, with little reward other than a place to work, not grow, expand, and most importantly be happy.

So I come to you with this, never allow yourself to be stuck, never think it is not your time to say yes or no. You control all your choices, and no one ever wastes time for you, no one ever takes happiness from you, without you letting them. All of the above is just a feeling of empty time when I think back on the time I let pass, the happiness I allowed to get clouded by not realizing what my mind wanted, what my heard wanted. All I wanted was for my dream to be recognized, the dream of my life..

The dream of happiness.

.....For those that helped me along the way, Thank you.

-MK 14'

Choices && Love

I can begin this blog, by saying that I have come a long way, since my first entry. It's important to look back sometimes. Life has taken so many different paths, all of them were in ways, I tried to plan for, but took a customized route each time. Which taught me some important lessons along the way.

This reflection are for those that may be lost, those that may think they love with their fullest potential, and most importantly those that have done things to jeopardize the ones they love for selfish reasons. This can go for those that have loved with all their heart, just to reemphasize the fact that you are doing a great job, and to keep it up.

We all have choices we make everyday... Some of us take these choices and make the common call on most, or the choice that we are just accustomed to. We sometimes forget the choices we have at hand, forgetting the power and consequences of the ones we face every moment of our lives. I have been blessed to have many great people in my life, some that loved me with their all, some not so much. But the older I get, the wiser I become, the more I can sit here and think of all the things that could have been better, If I would have made better choices. By choices Im not talking just aesthetics, but also the things we dont see, feel, smell, or taste, the choices that we take for granted and sometimes forget to pay attention to, or even acknowledge. 

The hot topic of LOVE. Everyone talks about it, everyone wants it, everyone feels it regardless of what you may think or say, it is a part of life, we all desire to fulfill before we die. 

The main questions being: 

• Are you doing the right things to attain the love you want?
• Do you have the love for yourself, that you are willing to share with someone else?
• Have you ever thought of how it is to be hurt, or loved, before trying to attain love from someone?
• Do you know love?
• If you know love, do you know what it takes to keep that love alive, for both sides?
• Have you found happiness and if so, are you willing to share that happiness with someone else?

All these questions are things we should ask ourselves daily. Matter fact, I can almost guarantee that these thoughts run through most heads daily, and probably most of you, but in different forms.

Such as.

• Am I doing what makes me happy?
• Is what I'm doing making the person that I love happy?
• Does this other person love me, as much as I love them?
• Do they know love?
• I wonder if they know how hurtful it is when they do this and that?
• I wonder if this will last?
• What can I do to be sure this lasts?

So maybe you caught the irony in what I'm stating above....

In all, to explain this in deeper context for you..

Life seems to trick us into thinking we actually do know everything about our feelings.  People think love is love, and hate is hate. But sometimes life tricks you, leaving you more clueless than before you even knew love, or even knew hate.  You think you have been hurt, when you really havent, you think you have loved when you really havent. 

In truth, the choices we are faced with daily, are based on what we think we know, but at the end of the day that is life, it is only what we can do. So inevitably we chase the love, that we think is love, and we tend to run from the hate, that we think is hate.

It is important that when you have the choice in front of you to share something with someone, that is special to you, to take full advantage of it. As the choices we make inevitably shape our future. Even though at the moment it may not seem like it, there really is truth in self karma. You must have the state of mind of doing good, if you want good in your future, doing bad, if you want bad in your future..

Yes, there is always time to change, but I'll save that for another time to discuss.

I want you to take a few things out of this, if anything.

First of all, if you have love in your life, that makes you happy, do not cheat the love, by doing selfish things, because love doesn't lie, but love doesn't have to last forever for you either.

Second--apologies go but so far for yourself, at some point you will realize that mistakes are common, yes, but repeating the same things will set you back even further from the love you are pursuing in your life.

Third--  Do not think for one second that life stops for you, if you think someone will stop pursuing their happiness for you, think again. You must adjust, you must have space in your heart to allow movement of love, to allow somethings not to go your way, but loves way. 

Fourth-- Love with your all, show your heart that you can defeat any feelings of uncertainty, give the opportunity to every moment of love, to shine, and be great. Do not pass up on love, as love is not guaranteed for you or anyone.

Fifth--Your past does not define you today, stop thinking of what you have done, if you have the power to change you will change.

Most importantly do not blame anyone else but yourself for the situations and choices you are in, or make...

Remember some of these things.

and I will promise you:

• A bright future.
• Love of the greatest kind (With Patience)
• Finding yourself.
• Happiness (In which you control)
• No Guilt.
• No blaming others for your problems.

As I wrap this up, dont make excuses for what you have not become, but make sure to understand the reasons of what you have become, who you are, and what you know makes you happy..

With that being said,

I must say it feels great to be in love.. True love at last.

Truthfully..

Mike

Nov. 12'

The Balance of Selfishness

It's been a while since I've had the time to write down some thoughts... Life has been rather crazy the past few months... I have been through so much... Good && Bad.. I must not complain.. Life has been good to me.. With that being said, I hope the readers of my blog, are doing well. As I wish you well through these days.

This entry will take a direction one may not think about often. I had a few thoughts as of late,  that made me take some steps back, for the good though, as taking a few steps back to realize whats in front of you, can help you if you use those steps to move forward with happiness...

It's strange to think that we are at fault for something...

Usually as humans, we are trained to know about mistakes, but naturally it is easier for us to point the finger at someone else, to take the stress off of our day(s).  But while doing this, we tend to forget how to fix the problem.

I have been faced with looking deep into my life to figure out what has caused me to do this as of late.  For years, I have struggled with the fact of "being alone" for many reasons. Growing up the only child has molded this feeling for years. Friends and family have come and gone like leaves off of a tree. Im a dreamer and have always wanted a great family atmosphere, but I have never had such thing. My mother and her side of the family, is so dysfunctional that I havent heard a word from them in over 15 years. It goes to say that, my father has raised me yes, but his side of the family, as never embraced me as a part of the family for many reasons, which I know of, but still makes no sense.  Over time, I have put myself in situations with my spouses in which I concentrate so much into time with them, that I forget about what they truly need and want. This has been a problem for many years.  I have drove people away from me emotionally because of it. Most importantly this wasn't intentional at all, I couldn't even tell I was doing it.

It's like a habit, I tend to do this when they or I, least expect it.  I try not to drive people away with it. But I have realized over time that the "Balance of Selfishness" is one of the most important things to learn in one's life. I have found over the years, that my situation is different from each and everyone of those people that have ever come into my life.  All people have a different sense of time, and what they want to do with it.

Understanding this simple part of life, has been a struggle for me. As we all set expectations up for people over time, and we expect something back for what we give them, but we can easily forget that those expectations may be built too much on the side of what you want, instead of what they really desire. That is where the problem can occur.

It is important too balance Selfishness, because at the end of the day, if we are not a little selfish we would never grab what we desire, we wouldn't even know how to get there.  Simply take a step back and realize what you need, what the person you love, needs, combine that with what you both desire, and make a place in the middle for the both of you. Friends, Family, Spouse, all included. People, setting expectations for people, so high, and not allowing them to attain it, because of what you desire, is not the right way of setting expectations for anyone, nevertheless yourself.

I have learned that allowing time too come, is so much better than chasing time.

Time will always be available for you and the people you love.

It is important for me to realize that no matter the situations I have been part of, if someone loves me, and wants to be with me, they will do just that. I try to crunch so much of my time into people because of what I have been through, and what I never had, and that isn't the right way of doing things.

But I have figured so much out.  For this I'm grateful  to understand that my time is only as good, as I make it for myself. Most of all, that the Balance of Selfishness, needs to be adressed at all times.

For the people, in my life.... Thank You.. For always being so understanding... I hope and wish that you know I love you with my ALL...

Truthfully,

Mike

Nov. 12'