Closures & Reconnections

This recent week has brought me so many emotions, fulfilling so much for me.  Many are asking me how my recent trip to Miami was, questioning my reasons, and moments I shared for such a random trip to a place I once called home, and still do.  I wanted to share my experience because it is something that has captured me for recent weeks, and especially while I was down there, so that my readers can understand a few things about me, and life respectfully, and maybe shine some light on how life can be something we must grasp on to, and not let grab us.

For starters, I will fill you in, on how this recent trip became something I felt I needed; wanted to do.  For years, my mother and I have had a relationship that I have shined light on to many people, as being strange, and lost, a relationship that for a long time truly never existed. After moving to South Carolina, my mother's life become something of a lost cause to me.  She became someone that was distant, and I always felt she wanted nothing to do with me, unless I acted on talking to her, or going to visit. It's been 15 years since I moved away with my father, I can count on two hands how many times she has called me, and most importantly she never has visited me over the years.  I struggled with this for years, and sometimes still do, but I have found a few key things along the way that have helped me cope with the fact that our relationship will forever be different.  Through the pain, and hurt over the years, I decided a while back that it is only reasonable to see her, and talk to her when I can, when the time is proper for me, because when I tried to give my all, the time felt wasteful, and pointless.  But, with that being said, I still keep in contact with her, and visit her every few years, when I can.  The interest for me to talk to her, has declined over the years, as I believe that interest fell off because of natural feelings, feelings I could never control, because of the way she treated me over time.

With that being said, I decided about a year ago, to reach out to my uncle, my mother's brother, and I can't say that was easy either, as it had been 18 years or so since I last saw him.  We have exchanged emails over the years, but lost touch through all that.  But this time something was different, I felt a emotion from my uncle, one that I have never felt from anyone down there in so long, the feeling of being missed, the sense of family, that someone wanted to actually see who I was after all these years, and most of all, love.  It was strange at first, as I told me uncle not to expect much out of me, but he reminded me that he was there for me no matter how I felt, and that all he wanted was to be in my life again.  We exchanged a few emails over the course of two months, and then we spoke on the phone one day, and everything seemed normal, as if he was always there.  The feeling was unexplainable, but it reminded me of something powerful that has always been there within me, the feeling of always being there for my family, and the people that I love.  Yes, I love my family, even if they are not there for me, or a big part of my life, I knew I had to give this a chance, to fill the void I always had within me, and the void I knew he shared for the both of us.

We talked about life, how things were going for the both of us.  We talked about the memories we shared of each other, I even called him the nickname I gave him when I was a child, as he was always  one of my favorite people.  We exchanged pictures, as I saw him 18 years later, and I saw his children as grown men now, when I remember them being infants, and I thought to myself, I wonder how he feels when he sees me now at 26, that feeling is the same for both of us.  I asked him about my mother, and they hadn't talked in years either, we have both been lost when it comes to our relationship with her for so many years.  He then told me about my grandmother, which is my last living grandparent and told me she was doing ok, but had been developing a serious case of memory loss and other complications at the home he had her in for her care.  I didn't know how to take that, because my grandmother and I, probably had one of the worst fall outs years ago when I was young, as I always viewed her as a hateful person that found everything to bring people down.  I haven't spoken or seen my grandmother in over 18 years either.  My uncle also informed me that my mother has not seen her in over 10 years, which was something that took over me; for the simple fact that was her mother.

A few months went by, and somethings have happened in my life since then, lost my job which I still am struggling with, and other things that aren't appropriate to mention on here. My life took a major turn in the past few months, which in turn has given me nothing but time on my hands to figure out things I needed to do.

My uncle called me last week, and informed me that my grandmother's health was declining fast and most likely wouldn't last much longer.   I texted him back and told him, I would be down in a few days.  He told me that her state was one of no life except breathing, and she would have no idea I was there, or anything else.  That was hard for me to grasp on to, not specifically for me, but for the other side of the equation, my mother, that's what I thought about.  The only thing I could think about was my grandmother is about to die, and my mother will not have any closure with her mother.  I thought about all the things I have done and continue to do, to make sure I always have some type connection with my mother no matter what for this exact reason, the reason of closure and understanding what is, family that is, and you only get one mother!  I called my mother and spoke to her for the first time in 4 years, and told her I was on the way down there, and informed her that her mother was in bad shape and was not going to make it much longer, we spoke for a few minutes, and I told her I would see her soon.

So I planned the trip and went down there, on Sunday, as I reached Miami I felt at home and at peace.  I knew what was ahead was going to be difficult, not only for me, but for the remaining family I have there, which is not much.  But by doing this, this task I placed in front of me, I would bring together a family that hasn't been a family in so long, and even if it was for just a day, it would be everything the three of us needed, moving forward.

After hours of traveling, the first night I was down there, I drove from the hotel room to the address my mother texted me, not knowing what to expect, as she has gone through so much in recent years.  She told me that her friend would let me in, as he did when I told her I was downstairs. I walked up to the apartment where she was at, this place looked so bad, from the start.  I was shocked, knowing where my mother came from, to see her in such a situation, she opened the door, and I she smiled, and gave me hug, as she was at the door holding herself up with the assistance of a walker device, as hard as it was to see her in such condition, I held my emotions together and talked to her, by her side. As we talked about random things, I told her that I was going to take her to see her mother, and we would have to go to her brothers house to see her, two people we both haven't seen in years, especially longer for me but that didn't matter to me, as I knew the real purpose behind it all.

The next morning, I went back to North Miami to pick her up, as she struggled to get in the car with her fragile body, we went to my uncles house, in Ft. Lauderdale.  We spoke the whole way there, about life and other things, as we arrived at the door, a feeling of emotions came over us, as my uncle opened the door.  I know we both felt a feeling of family that we haven't felt together, in such a long time.  Doing this with my mother was one of the best feelings I could ever imagine, bringing her to see her dying mother, was the best thing, I could have ever done as a son, as a man.  My uncle was excited to see us both, but I was so excited to see someone that had been a stranger in my mind for so long, and I always wondered about, as I did for my mother for so long as well.  The feelings were mutual all over, as we looked at his house, and met his wife which was taking care of my grandmother during her struggle, we walked into the room to see my grandmother, the three of us together.  We stood by the bed, as my grandmother, and their mother, was laying there looking lifeless, as someone I hadn't seen in almost 20 years, it thought about the good times, I thought about the times that once left me because I didn't know her for so long.  I stood there, as they talked about their mother, and felt so lost, knowing she would die, never knowing how I looked, who I became, what I stood for.  I thought about her not seeing my mother of so long, and the feeling my mother must have had.  I stood there, the feelings poured, mentally I could imagine that happening to me, and knowing I would never let that happen to my mother, for that's the reason no matter if other people never tried to be in my life, I tried, for the reasons that were right in front of me at this moment, as I imagined my mother on that bed, strangely enough.

As we connected through out the day, for that one day we felt like a family, and it was everything we desired.  I knew none of this would be possible without my taking the actions I did by coming down.  My uncle told me that he was proud of the man I had become, that meant the world.  I thanked him for everything, and we left so I could take my mother back home.  My mother told me as I dropped her off, that for years I reminded her to be in her mothers life no matter the differences, because a day would come when it could be too late, she thanked me for taking her, as she cried on my shoulder, that she had closure with her mother, and that she was so happy I was with her for that moment in time.

The next day my grandmother passed away at my uncles house, as if she was waiting on us, I was not expecting it to happen so fast, but people wait for things like that when they are struggling to hold on to life.  My mother was hurt, and I was there for her, as my feelings about the situation were concentrated on her and how she was, I know I brought her comfort through such pain, as for my uncle as well.

With all this being said, I want to tell who ever is reading this, that I understand how it can be to be lost, as the only child, I have only truly had one figure in my life, that has always been there for me.  My father, as everyone knows, I love and cherish him to death, but over time, I figured out that giving my all to people I call family works in the end.  Even though I rarely feel any love from other parts of my family, I have built up my own ways to deal with that, and have a core of people around me that I cherish and will do anything for.  That keeps me going, that keeps me from being alone, and through all that, I will always try to give my best to those.  No matter what my mother does, or ends up, I will always be here for her, as I understand how fragile life is.

The choices we make, do not always lead to success and riches, and no matter what, everything can be gone in a matter of one moment, one choice.  People, need each other, although my mother has changed so much over the years, she will always be my mother.  I am so glad that through the years, I grew to understand this, understanding that my relationship with her, even at the smallest parts of it, means so much to me, and that I hope the same thing for her.  I hope she knows that no matter what I love her, and she always has someone here for her.  As for when I feel alone, I think to myself I could be in my mothers position, with no one around, and that hurts, but I showed her that she is never alone.

The same goes for my uncle.. I love you. Thank you for reaching out to me, and making me feel like family again, as one of my goals this year was to rebuild the family we once had.  They're not many of us left, but we have to make whatever we have work, to whatever capacity we can.

I had closure with my grandmother, as I know she knew I was there, but more importantly I had closure by knowing I still have a family on my mothers side. May she rest easy now.

Remember to always cherish the ones you love.  Someway, somehow, always keep them as close as you can, as family should never be taken for granted, so many people I know can work on this, especially family I have, never forget this, as it's something I've lived and experienced to the fullest.

Always love & continue loving those you care for.



My trip to Miami.


Thank you to the ones that made this possible for me. You know who you are!


MK' 15

Timeless

Giving the moments in time, where the only thing I want is more time, becomes the chase of my days. Time is everything I desire, it's everything we all desire. The ironic and masked feeling of such a task becomes apparent as time moves by. The more time that passes, the more feelings we incur of it running out. Well I say run out, but inevitably "death" is what we consider the end of time, at least the share that we have physically on earth. But let's not get too technical, or religious, as that's not what I'm here to discuss. 

It is possible to lose time, it's definitely possible to waste it, although I don't believe we waste as much as we think or say. Truly, the only time I consider wasted, is the time we don't spend with love in our hearts. Most time is spent worrying about things that have no eventual value for our humanity, or the people around us, for example, money, materials, worrying about the past, the future, and most importantly the things we can't control.  But what is most ironic about that, well if you don't already know by now, you can't control time. Time is something we made up, I mean the original people on earth, who ever you believe that to be, I'll let science talk for that one, had no care for time, at least until they figured out, that they were dying, and that they should probably manage their time better, to figure out things to advance civilization more adequately for the next in line.

So with that being said, I often find myself thinking what is the best way to spend my time. Often I source my time, to acoustics, writings, reading, visuals, on spare time at least, on a more busier note, work for money when available, family & friends. But who cares right? Using your senses for time, doesn't everyone do that, yes indeed they do, but do they use them in a way that is self gratifying, maybe not so much. 

No matter how you spend your time, there is only one way, that the time you spend here on this tiny earth, actually means something. At least I've figured out this very logic through my life, and the people in it.  That the only way, to actually appreciate time, is by love, loving it, loving all of it.

Imagine spending time doing things you don't love to do, that should be easy right? Yes, because unfortunately we don't live in a "pleasantville" type of environment all the time, (if you haven't seen that film, you should check it out)... Life forces us to do things that are unfamiliar to the heart, things we don't always desire or care to do, but must do to conform, build, and create a better life, sometimes that time is even spent doing things we think are good, but are bad, or vice versa.

With that being said, the time we do have is our responsibility to decipher, make, fill-in, create, and most importantly enjoy. At times it may seem impossible, but at the end, you can't say you didn't have all the time in the world, because quite frankly you had the same opportunity of the chance of time as every single thing on this planet. So really there is no excuse to not enjoy the time we have.

Time cannot be enjoyed without love, yes I have a theme of love in most of my writings, but there is no greater characteristic on this earth, that makes everything and creates anything, even time itself. 

In order to truly grasp the sense of time that we have, one must appreciate the love they have in spending it doing whatever it is that they believe is worthy of the seconds that build the minutes, the hours, days, years, life it self.  All this life is worth is the time we have, so the next time you are sitting complaining about something being a waste of time, ask yourself, am I really wasting time, or am I not appreciating the love that the time has built for you to realize you have time to do whatever it is, even if at times it seems wasteful.  Remember that when something seems to be a waste of time, it is usually because you have not looked at how the time is being spent, most importantly you haven't loved the way you can.  As I'm sure you wouldn't consider love being a waste of time, what else would have given you the time, to love in such a timeless fashion.

Truthfully,

MK. 15'

The Embraced Path

Let me start by saying that I, am forever grateful for all my experiences in life.  My time here has been nothing short of that. I have learned so much, and have gone through things that have taught me so much about me, my life, and the people that surround me.  I must say that although many things seemed to not work out over the past few months, a lot of things did, and I made it happen.  To be honest, I took one of the biggest risks of my life, to come try a new career, and see what it had to offer.  Little did I know how much I would take away from the experience and also what my destiny here would be.

I moved away on my own once again, to give it a shot, and a chance of a lifetime.  I started selling cars, doing bail bonds, meeting new people, and was surrounded by people that truly cared for me.  Although at times, we had our downs, I have gained a new family here, and for that I must say, the experience was a memorable one for sure.  It is something I will forever cherish for being a path that gave me so much, and a new outlook on life all at the same time.

I wanted to write this to shine light on risks you must take to figure out your journey.  At the start of every path I have taken, I have had a clear choice on what to do, and although the consequences are not clear, the choices are.  Life is funny, because we are taught in order to be mature you must understand consequences, but most of the time, consequences are only seen when you live them out.  I have been through so much here, from learning new ways to live, to arresting people and putting them in jail, to wearing bulletproof vests, selling cars, taking repossessed vehicles, I've done it all.  Yes, Mike did all that!!! A lot of people asked me if I enjoyed it, why I was doing such work, all I could tell them was one thing, It was something that caught my attention at a time where many were failing.  Opportunity is everything in life, and I felt very comfortable taking the risk at the time.  Although the risk wouldn't be possible without thanking my friends here, (they know who they are), I took it on my own, I put myself out here, I trained, and took initiative to do what I could to improve the business around me on all aspects.

I believe I did my best here, I know I did all I could, and dedicated as much time as I could when it was needed.  I embraced the people around me, as they did the same, and I treated everyone with respect, and love. This gave me a purpose, and something to work for, a dream, a lesson, a way of life that gave me much more than I first expected when I opened the door.

All this gave me the opportunity to focus on myself and my self growth over the 8 months here, where I figured out that I was ready for more.  Somewhere in life where I have always excelled at, is knowing when I have done all with a certain path.  I have figured out that many don't seem to understand how I do it.  But I am here to explain that, when I feel I have exhausted all my options at being successful at what I am doing, or a certain place in life where I can no longer grow, I am ready for whats next.  I can't say that I know whats next, I rarely ever do, I just take my paths carefully; so I am sure I will make the right choice whenever it shows its face.

As a friend once told me, "You are someone that adapts so quickly, and is willing to learn and take all you learn, to make things better for everyone around you, people will always see that".  I think on what my friend told me and think of all the times I sit and think about making that happen.  But its important to remember that when I know its time, I will make that happen for myself.  So with all being said, I am closing this chapter to say this, It is time to adapt, take what I've learned here, and make MYSELF better, so that during my next path; I can do the same for everyone around me, and most importantly smile while I'm doing it.

Life stops for no one.

Thank you for everything,

Richie, Russ, Oscar, PJ, Jamie, Heather, Eddie.

Most of all,

Thank you to all that have continued being by my side.


Truthfully,

MK     15'

Take a moment

We try everyday to figure out how to live out our moments.  Asking and looking to each other for advice, and comfort, and most importantly the company we can offer each other.  I have seen over time, that the longer our days become, the more we look down at the time, the more we concern each other about what is, or what isn’t, the more we forget about whats here, what we truly share.  

Given the situations we share, the experiences, the changes we have to incur in our lives, which have either an immediate or delayed impact on our lives, I can definitely say that most of the time, it’s not our fault, at least at the moment of action.  But after realizing how things can go the other direction, for things that have never brought you happiness, but short reward, for things that have given you promise, but only limited fulfillment, for things that give you a way of life, for now, but not for later.  We can completely be shocked at what occurs, when we start to lose touch with what is truly important to our happiness, which usually has nothing to do with the things we are chasing. 

The important thing to remember is that, when you're not feeling any obligations, when you're not tied down to a situation, or anything that can pre-occupy your mind for that moment in time, it is only then when you truly realize what truly makes you happy.  It’s hard to notice must I remind you.  Our lives mold with so many things, that claim to be the catapults of the way we should define ourselves.  Our mind then feels the need to dedicate all our strength and power to those things or people, so that we are so-called successful.  But why, if all those things are things that were earned, when the things that come naturally are the things that were given to you by higher power.  Those are the things that define us, those are the reasons we are who were are, why we love, why we desire, dream, and build courage for the next day, the next person we meet.  It is the random things in life that we ignore, instead we are built more on a schedule in our generation, and in this schedule we forget about random acts of kindness, and love, instead we pay attention to the clock, when that person is late to the meeting, when someone comments on your picture on social media.  We lack so much for the brains we have, and although we have progressed to build massive ways to help lives, I am for certain we are forgetting about building on the power of what and who we are, lovers, care givers, kind, we are humans in case you forgot.

But with that being said, our scheduled and systematic lives are putting so much in jeopardy each day for us. Thats not the scary part of it all, the scary part if you wonder, is the fact that many of us don’t even notice or acknowledge the lack of humanity as a problem.

I believe the most important thing is to figure out what is truly important to you if you were to picture everything that has been given to you, gone.  What would you have left, what would you strive towards then, what would give you purpose to bring on the next day, the next hour, the next minute.  What in life would pressure you to feel like you have a deadline, like you did when you actually had them programmed in you to perform, what would drive you to do more, and what would success mean to you if the normal successes were nonexistent.  Yea, to be technically specific here this would truly never be the case, but if you imagine life without these things, the things you have forgotten about on most days, will come to light, and will give you the opportunity to savor them in anyway you can..

All you need is a few minutes, a few hours, maybe a few days or years, but to figure out who you are, who you want to become, and who you love, is incomparable to the things society tells you, builds you, makes you, and drives you to be who you are. 

Take a moment and embrace the real life for a little, is all I ask…

It will go a long way for you, it will show you, how life should be…

Truthfully,

Mike

15'