Time knows us, much more than we think we know time.
It's always interesting to look back, and reflect. It brings us together more than we realize, we speak to compare, we compare to feel, and in essence we feel for each other. But the bottom line is, what was, is just that, it is behind us, it is something that taught us, and forever lives within us all. For this simple notion of thoughts and feelings, It is important to look back at times, to cherish the lessons, absorb the feelings that may have been forgotten in a ever fast life we live. Time forgets nothing, but we tend to forget the path here, the road work it took to build that path, and most of all, where in that path we’re at now.
The year is wrapping up, and it's such a special time, the holidays are upon us, and it's time to spend those quality moments with those we love & adore. It's also a moment we have time off from the regular grind of things, and I try to take some of this time to self reflect on where I've been, and where I'm going. Call it a unforgiving self evaluation, where I examine what this year brought, what I brought to it, and what in the end it panned out to be.
Two Thousand Sixteen, wow, what a year. The emotions, the unforgiving time, the happiness, the overall grind, of each day, unforgettable, unwittingly gritty and most of all, enjoyable. I grew so much this year, the exact moment I thought I've seen or felt it all, I was so wrong. This year showed me so much different, it gave me a new life, a new name, a new sense of moral, and most of all, patience.
How different, well let me begin by saying that before this year, everything fell back on me, what I needed, wanted, my dreams, my goals. This year humbled me, gaining a family, in which I stepped up to a challenge I never saw myself before, even considering. The challenge wasn't something that was a negative one, but more of the form of questionable, where I wondered and often thought, of myself not being prepared, or being the person I needed to be to do the best I could. A relationship with a child that isn't mine biologically, well it turned heads quick, around the family, on both ends, and friends, well let's just say the questions fired in like crazy. Are you ready? Will you be able to handle a 7 year old? Do you think it's worth it? What if it doesn't work out? Where is her dad at? Why now? Yes, I'll admit I was never fond of that situation, but who is, ever? You want to be with someone naturally that carries your children, not someone else's, so yea I came in thinking differently, and many people tried to keep me thinking as such. But this was different, knowing that I knew Megan for a very long time, and we were friends for a while, years in fact, she was special beyond words. So I shot down the doubt, both internally and externally, and went for it. Let's not forget I had to break down a barrier Megan had as well for the protection of her little girl, Logan. So precious she is, I can still remember the first time I met her, we went to eat, then to target, and I found myself with Logan in the toy isle, and she was talking up a storm about some toys. As I looked around, Megan was not in direct sight, so I kept going with the conversation with Logan, and I remember specifically Logan holding my hand while talking. As I looked around for Megan continuously, I noticed her down the other isle, starring and smiling. That moment told me everything, this is not so much about you, this is about them, and most importantly, Logan!
It was around thanksgiving of 2015, when I remember my phone going off beside me, and Megan very quietly saying hello. I figured she felt she woke me up, but I was awake, no doubt waiting on her call as she lived in Atlanta at the time, which kept us apart most of the week. She told me in a quiet manner that she needed to tell me something, and although it took her a few minutes, she whispered “ I’m pregnant”… Of course, I feel she was nervous I was going to be scared, or nervous, but I surprised her to say the least. Happy and excited I knew it was time, I had my reasons to feel captured by the moment, and it didn’t take but a few seconds to be convinced that was the best news I’ve ever received. But I knew i faced a battle to make sure she was ok, she had been through so much with the last failure at this attempt of raising a beautiful child, with two parents. But I quickly ensured her, that no matter what happened to us, that our future will always include both children in my life. It took her some time to get over the initial fear of the revisit of past memories, but she believed me, and most of all trusted her self to be in this situation, as I did. So we both sat on the phone that night for a few hours, and talked, and wondered, and got to planning, our future, in a way many people fear, shy away from, or do not adhere to in such ways. For that I believe we will be forever grateful for, and most of all, proud of when we decide to look back, or when the children ask about our past when we are older.
Of course I mentioned all this because the natural process flew fast into 2016, and when i look back at this year, all I can think about is just that. We were over taken by all the time, emotions, and planning of such a massive event in both of our lives. It was my first time, going through something so important, and gratifying to a point of unselfishness, I still can’t explain entirely. If I had to compare such to a feeling once had, I would say it’s like the first time you experience a life or death moment, and you realize how fragile time can be, and how you wish some moments could be relived. I noticed quickly how fast time moved, when she was pregnant with our baby girl, and how fragile those moments became. But I think we handled them well, we thought things through, and more often than not, we had to act quicker than most wanted us to, but we knew at this time we had to do things for US, not them. Megan made a commitment to move back to SC, and we got a place together in the city we met almost 10 years ago. Amazing how things come back together, there is no doubt in my eyes, this was how it was supposed to go for me..
I sat and pondered like I can do so well, as I spend time to make sure my thoughts are in order, and pure to how I feel. I deciphered the thoughts and made sure everything was right, of course that never works out the way I want it to. Somethings were harder than others, like getting adjusted to taking care of a child that is not biologically mine, and making sure I do everything in my power to show her, I’m here for her to be loved, not to replace her father. I wanted to do what was best, and at times it back fired, because I was still learning how to be a better person, and most of all a father figure to a child that I was still getting to know. I had to adjust the ways of life so that Megan had everything she needed, the care, the love, the cravings, the supporting figure she always lacked in a man that she desired to be by her side. But again, I adjusted, and she made that easiest for me, by allowing me to understand, as I listened to her heart through out the days. Things worked out for our favor over the 9 months, and the most important feeling we all shared during that time of bonding, was the feeling of family. That will be forever appreciated by me, no doubt it had a profound impact not only on the year of 2016, but my lifetime ahead. She was the mother figure I always wished I had, and I get to share those special moments with her, it really showed me how great of a mother, an person she is, what a beautiful process for me.
The wait was over, and even though I write about it like we had much time, we really felt time went by very fast. Our daughter was here, and I was there for it all. I wasn’t missing a beat, July 13th, my year, my life, my future changed forever. I remember my father rushing to the hospital and him and I talking in the hall way for a few minutes before I went in the room to be with Megan as we were waiting on her arrival. That was the moment where my nerves calmed to a point of knowing everything would be ok, if the one that raised me, was proud, and trusted the process of me becoming a father. I watched her come into this world, closer than most men probably would desire, but I wanted to make sure I was the first person she saw, as I knew her mother was the first person she loved. She was beautiful, and so was life, so was my family.
This year, for one was a new life. I grew, but most importantly gained so much more out of life, more than I ever expected. More than I ever knew, but I enjoyed every moment. Other than gaining a family, I grew as a person, in ways I never knew I could. I remember a vivid moment this year, where I felt alone, after having Alexa, after committing myself to being a father, everyone vanished. I don’t know what happened, but it hit me hard. The people I was there for the most, haven’t even seen Alexa yet, some I’ve never heard from. But I’ve come to a understanding with life, that I never truly cared to understand before, because of my position in my life, as a single child, with a small family base. No matter where I’m at, I’ll be ok with out them, I’ve prospered and failed without them, so nothing changes, other than the physical, because the mental must remain the same in order to go forward. As every level in life, demands a new you, a new me.
As I reflect on such a time period, a short one as I look back, many emotions take over, but the main thing I can take away from this year, is LIFE.. For the first time ever I see how life treats the patient one, how life can teach lessons you thought you knew, and how irreplaceable time really is. I’ve been through a lot to this point, but have learned that my short comings, are nothing to be shamed about, but proud about, because I’ve learned so much along the way..
Now, I can say I’m a father, a proud one, that takes so much from his own dad. I can say I love you to the three women that care and love me just as much, everyday. I’ve learned that the chances I take, are all for the life I want for them, and the smiles I want to see. I can feel the proud moments, and the effort more than ever before, and the motivation is never a rare thing, as every morning, I’m thinking of the next moment with my family, and how to make those moments better for all of us.
I hope going forward, I can learn to be a better father, the best father to both my little Alexa, and to Logan. I hope Megan and I continue learning from each other’s love and care for one another, and our family to build a stronger relationship every moment we can. I hope life gets easier, just like everyone does, but I hope we have the patience to take our troubling moments and turn them into positive ones. I hope we are all in good health, to watch each other grow, spend time with each other, laugh, and be there for each other when the tears are there as well. As I drive myself daily to provide better, I hope for more time, although I know we can’t change it. Although I know i have no idea about time, I hope we have enough of it when we look back next time.
*Thank you to everyone that has helped us this year, and been by our side. You know who you are.
I love you Megan, you’re by far the best mother I have ever known, thank you for sharing your heart with me, and our family.
Logan you continue teaching me everyday, how to be a better person, as I watch you grow, you continue to amaze me every step of the way. Keep being the sweet wonderful girl your mom wants you to be, and imagine that anything is possible, as you have brought my imagination to another level every day. I love you.
Alexa, your father will always love you, no matter what. I enjoy everyday with you, you have made my life complete, and with a wonderful mother as well, you and your sister will always be ok. I promise.
I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds, but lets enjoy today as much as we can, it’s all we truly have.
~ As time knows us, much more than we know time ~
Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!
-MK Dec. 16’
