Breaking Through

I wonder sometimes if I’m being the best man that I can be.  I often find myself questioning the every day process, grind of life.  The daily habits & routines we manage to get so caught up in, where we can forget so easily who we truly are.  Who we want to be, who we are, can get so twisted in a world where most of us, have no idea.  I tend to think of all the things I have grown to love, and all the things I’ve placed in a forgiving and forgotten place, just because of fear, disappointment and neglect. The dreams and aspirations that I’ve sacrificed to make it through the day, the times where those thoughts were outlandish enough to garner judgement not only from others, but from me.  The doubt instills itself through out time, only making me push back as if time is on my side.  The more you grow, the more time shows it’s beautiful and of dark character. Realizing where you’re at in life, can truly scare you, leaving you alone, without effort, without knowledge of how distant you have become. 

Watch life through a window, imagine not being able to get on the other side of the glass.  Imagine the other people looking at you, wondering whats wrong, but they can’t hear you.  So they keep walking through life, as they should, while you watch and think about all the things you would do.  The glass is fear, that world on the other side is life, it’s time, but your stuck in a world where time is trapped behind fear. Think of all the things you have passed on because you can’t figure out the way through the glass.  You’ve tasted it, felt the life outside, as we all do at some point, but now the only thing that is taking that feeling from you, is yourself.  

The scary part is that once you lose yourself behind this glass effect, people begin to forget who you are, what makes you, what you stand for.  You forget how to show them, because you feel lost, and have no idea how to garner trust without hearing about the time(s) they lost you behind that glass.  Those people can be anyone, but most of all the people that love you. The ones that looked at you most through that glass, when you were lost and fearsome of finding a way out. Although those that desire that same feeling, and know what you’re capable of showing the world, only become frail and tired of the fact that your effort became stuck behind a fear that only one can understand and tear down.  Which you have no one then to look out to, no one that trusts your process, your learning of life, as if it’s too late to show who you are.

Understanding this process is difficult, and creates mental separation between who you truly are, and what you have carried yourself to be.  Blaming others from your time behind the glass, isn’t fathomable, but destructive, and creates the kind of separation that can cause one to be lost forever. This is all on you, and finding yourself, and being secure enough with your fears, by facing and dealing with such emotion, and transpiring that into the only success in life that matters.  How you deal with the glass in front of you, how you break through, and take on life with a smile for the fear that you have put behind you.  Realizing that the only person that can change, and make people believe who you are, is the person’s reflection in the glass, staring back at you.

The excuses may further tarnish what you can become, the level of success you can have in life. As if no one has plenty of excuses to dish out, to cover up frail moments or characteristics that don't prove worthy. But only when we give excuses are we vulnerable to showing everything that we are not, and forgetting everything we are. Excuses form the glass, just as much as failure, and thoughts that deem you further away from the people you once walked with. Excuses are the last and most powerful deterrent of being successfully happy. Excuses create nothing but questions with no answers, resulting in no action. Inevitably keeping you behind this thick glass looking outwards, for as long as you excuse yourself out of what you can do and who you are.

Remember the many failures that brought you here, the fear, that made you feel you couldn’t succeed.  The person you thought you were, know you are, the person you want to become, the person other people want you to be.  All that brings you to one place, right now, not tomorrow or yesterday.  But the many failures will succumb to one main issue, one main problem, one big sense of pain.  Yourself, the one looking outwards, trying to get out, when all you need is to look within. Where you meet all your pain in one moment, where all the pain of the past comes together to show you the way out.  It doesn’t come without taking, without failure or sadness, nor a great amount of pressure or self doubt. This is your moment where you must separate the bliss of knowing what needs to be done, from the doubt that you have faced, convinced yourself of, and ignored with effort only to never give effort to push yourself through.  

It’s time to break through, you have no choice. The more you face your fears, your undetermined failures that give you the fear, the thinner the glass becomes.  Shed light on who you are, give it your all, and ignore the past knowing that the only thing in your control is breaking this glass. Moving forward with what you love, who you love, only giving them more than ever before, and most importantly your life.  Your life is back in your hands, no barriers, no one looking at you trapped, no one sad because of you, in fear of your actions, your hidden disappointments.  Show yourself what you know is right, the right way out of here, show your determination to make sure that everything and everyone you love is something you never want to lose, or be hidden from.  When you break this glass, know that things may not be the same, people may look at you differently, you may be fresh, the trust may be tarnished.  But you must regain trust in yourself that the only thing you can do is be a better you.  As you may have the temptation to look back, remind yourself how you defeated those emotions, and broke through to become a better person.  Walk and talk, respect and love with your all, with all that you have learned, and everything will come together.  As if the glass never trapped you it self, but knowing that you have control of being back there in that same lonely space you once were, if you fear of failure.  If you fear yourself, and the process.  The understanding now becomes clear, and you may now realize how ironic it was that the glass was so clear to look out of, but yet so reflective. 

“They say you fear what you don’t understand, and try to bury it, and criticize the chances that you never get, so from the outside scoping in, they look for you to provide the hope for them.” -Skyzoo

*Dedicated to all those that I have hurt, those that knew a better me, those that have seemingly stuck with me during times I shouldn’t have anyone.  The times of complete mental loneliness, the moments of doubt, and fear.  

But most of all my family, I love you all so much, so much….

- MK July 17’

Effort for Life

As you grow in life, life grows with you, showing you and guiding you through different paths, shaping everything about you.  The more time you spend figuring out your life, trying to shape your life, you realize how little control you have. You have few moments in life that fulfill expectations, which are rewarding and usually taken for granted.  But life is mostly filled with unexpected moments that we can’t plan for, expect, and appreciate when they happen.  These moments are the ones that allow us to grow, create better people, and allow us to understand what life is, and most importantly how special out short time here really is. I have been writing about these moments for a long time, but I recently had one that showed me so much, it brought about so many thoughts, and gave me a new perspective.  Surprisingly  it expelled emotions of the past, that guided this moment, and also new emotions which shaped the moment.  To say the least it was one experience that allowed me to understand this portion of my life in a clear way, which not long ago was clouded and unexpected. 

Not many know the true story behind my family, and that’s fine, things seemed to happen fast even in our eyes.  But again this goes back to what I said, unexpected moments are life most plentiful moments.  I remember the first time I met my future step daughter, how scared I was I would scare her away, leave a bad impression, thinking she wouldn’t like me for the smallest imperfections which I carry many. I remember asking her mother countless times, do you think she will like me, what should I do or say, how should I act?  Planning things out like that seems redundant because it never goes as planned or how we think, but we still all over concern ourselves with things we have barely any control over.  Once again I was at a crossroad in life, of trying to figure out if I was ready for such a challenge, one that could alter or shape the future of my days forever.  I knew going in as soon as I met her, I could do two things walk away and possibly ruin everything me and her mother had, including her daughters hopes at having a stable male figure in her life. Or do everything her mother has never experienced out of a man, and help be the male figure her daughter longed for for 8 years. I thought I was growing with life up until this point, but life was growing on me.  I made the best decision and stayed.

I had no idea how fragile time is until we started our family.  It seems like yesterday all this was right in front of me, fresh, new, and so different.  Now my life surrounds these two ladies, including our almost 1 year old daughter which is growing by the second, literally. Life has a funny way of showing you, how much time we take for granted.  We have and always will be in a unique situation, but that portion of the life we chose between us four, has been something we have all had a part in before.  My relationship with both sides of my family, her relationship with her family, and my step daughters relationship with her father.  They are all unique, torn and molded with love and mystery.  How can this happen? Why? Well thats the part in life we control, that some of us don’t do such a good job at, which leaves people broken.  It happens when we take what we can control for granted, for example the fact that my step-daughters father didn’t see Logan until she was 3, the fact that no-one but my father has seen my daughter more than once, the fact I have seen my mother a total of 5 times in almost 20 years, and so forth.  All these chapters, are broken, because of lack of knowledge, lack of courage and effort.  No excuses, can bare the fact of time wasted.

The challenge is to break through those broken times and begin controlling the situation, no matter how much time has been wasted, that can be earned back with the little time we have left going forward.  Although we have no idea how much time we have, it should serve as motivation to try harder, to regain whatever may be left of the time we have with people. This is a lesson that was pushed and built over time, with the relationship I had with a few individuals over the course of my life, including my mother.  I knew at a early age that if i put in no effort, I would waste the potential path of rebuilding the relationship with my mother that was once null, and seemed lost.  Even if that meant visiting, calling, reaching out, and being the only one to do that over a course of time, which made me feel doubtful or disrespected.  It built courage that if I could get through this by trying, then trying is the least of the things I could complain about doing.  It is the only answer to the equation of building a better future, at least the part we try to control.  As I have always believed our effort is the power of all emotions, it gives you everything and more in this life, than anything else we can do.

Just a short time ago, I was introduced to a situation in which my step daughter and partner struggled with the fact that her father was not in her life, as need be.  It came to our surprise, including mine that he began to reach out randomly, after a year plus of being with these ladies.  I was hesitant at first because of my emotions towards the situation, and the simple fact that I guard those close to me from being hurt any further.  Most understand that portion of this clearly, as most would do the same.  Although I tend to share the responsibility very well of guarding her, I know her mother, will be there every step of the way.  So I was a back seat rider for most of this time, just here if need be.  Quite frankly they know this situation better than me, and have dealt with it much longer than I have, so I let it go.  Thinking and asking questions along the way, both to my self and to them.  What are his motives? Why now? Where has he been? Do you think she even wants to talk to him? Does she even know him? How do you feel?  Most of these questions were answered, with a common denominator, he’s done this before, we just wait for him to go away as usual.  This bothered me, but exposed much over the course of the past few months, where I would often think of my life, the way I was left wondering the same questions, the questions my father asked himself and I over the course of my life as well.

It wasn’t until last weekend, where I ventured out on a road trip to Atlanta with the girls, to see her half sister, (same father different mother) for her birthday party.  I was timid over the planning of this, as I knew before hand he was coming down for his other daughters party, and would be there when we arrived.  Why hasn’t he ever came down for my step-daughters parties, or major events, (including birth) which he ditched my partner for 8 years ago.  Why now? Why should we even involve her in this, just to get hurt again?  But the little one, now acting so grown, seemed excited, probably mostly to see her best friend a bond they have seemingly shared for a while, thanks to their bold and generous mothers, that made sure they both knew and grew to know each other as should be. It was only right when I got asked to go, that I was all in, with the girls, there to experience this situation all hands in, on the front lines.  Nevertheless I am with them every day, I know them better than he does, and would not leave them in this awkward time for anything.  So i proceeded with the family, the blended family I had to learn to share time with someone I heard so many negative things about, and risk a child’s emotions for her own good, it’s for the children. 

Instantaneously she is all over her dad, like they have seen each other everyday for 8 years.  I sat back and watched and let them be, thinking about the moments when I would visit my mother and it was the same way after years of seeing her.  It’s a bond that nothing can come between, well other than lack of parenting. I was happy for her, but at the same time questionable, if I am doing a good job, what about our bond.  Her mother, reminds me often how much I mean, but I see now how much this means for her, to see him.  Sitting on the outside looking in on this one, was a first for me, as this was really the first child I made myself responsible for taking care of, that I made mine in so many ways.  It was a moment of clarity because I know what goes for me, goes for her dad vice versa effect, in which he forced himself out, and is trying to regain the inside vision and access to his biological daughters life. That was heart felt as well, but something in me needs proof this is real, as I was still in limbo with the rest of them, as to if this was genuine or not.

It seemed genuine, I didn’t really speak to him, for the first portion of the day, it was a kids party, I figured if any speaking needed to be done, he would need to approach.  Seems the opposite of my character from what most know of, but I felt it was only right not to interfere.  I have the upper hand regardless already, I just wanted to make sure the girls were ok, if so, I’m good.  This didn’t take the worry away, but made me realize what was, and how I would like it to be, on the discretion of the children. As the party wrapped up, I nodded my head, and wanted to get out of there, but we went to her sisters house across town, for a quick little meet up before everyone went their own way.  Again there he was, as we waited for him, he arrived.  Surprisingly we were called into a meeting in one of the rooms, by her sister’s mother. I’m in a unfamiliar place, wondering what should I say, so many emotions running through my mind, what should I ask.  I decided to sit in this round table like discussion. Included were the following. Logans Dad, his child with his current partner, Jennifer the mother of his other child, Me and Logans mom, and my daughter.  As blended as you can get, and a huge cluster f**k if you ask me.  Never in my life did I expect this to be a situation I would be in, plan for, or even imagine.  But somehow it felt like my duty, like I have waited long for this, I could flourish in a situation like this being a single child and experiencing a hard time myself at the same age, divorce, split and mystery.  

I waited for Logans dad to speak, this mysterious figure that caused Logan to cry at night, and so many other stories I heard, I was as silent and attentive as possible. He mentioned how he was grateful for me and the other father figure in helping raise both his children from afar, as he had made mistakes in the past that took him away from being a father.  He wanted  response right away but I knew he had more to say so I just shook my head, and waited for the right time.  He said something that brought me full circle, I want to make things right again, between me and my two daughters, especially Logan, because I have learned from my mistakes and it’s time for me to grow up and be a true father figure.  He thanked me and mentioned that he would never interfere with what we had going on, but asked if I would support his new goal, and continue doing what I was doing.  This meant more than anything else that day, to hear this from someone that has missed out on so much, just like my mother never mentioned until recently in a conversation we had. 

I looked him in the eyes and told him that as long as Logan and Meg are ok, and doing good, i have no reason to get in the way of you getting to know your daughter, but that full effort must be done on your part to understand and get to know her.  To not expect me to do much on his part on this road, but be there for the little girl I have grown to love so much.  Reminded him to never lose sight of the fact that we have time ahead of us, and if done right, things can be good.  I also refreshed his mind by telling him that in no shape or form has she ever called you anything but her father, and that he has a good chance to make things right with effort. I thanked him for the courage to face all of his history including the new and fresh, and shook his hand.  We took a quick picture at the end and left.  So many questions still linger. But one thing is solid in all of us.  This is for the kids.  Everything else really doesn’t matter. Other than effort, effort to break through the things that we find a hard time thinking about, or finding the effort to dedicate, for the answers in life, that we are meant to figure out ourselves. 

I hope that this effort on my part and my families goes further than I originally expected, and shows the few that need it, how special it is to reach out further than you know how, to gain a clear respect of life.  I hope nothing but the best for my step daughter to learn and experience life with out mis guided effort from the people that should always show her true love, including myself. In respect, the effort that you put in for the things that come at you unplanned define your life, as for things that seem planned are rarely the things that define your character. 

For Logan

-MK  May 17’