Time has been moving so fast lately, but I was always warned. The cliché statement from the wise flows ever so quietly through my days. I’ve had to come to terms with certain things recently in my life, many have no idea of, nor will ever know. A changed person, a wiser man, a different life, a obscure way of thinking. But I never knew I’d be so directly affected by the amount of time I have watched flow without proper living. I have relived the moments of disappointment and pleasure, to find myself stuck in a moment in life, that has left me unsure about what’s next. The life I had is no longer even relevant, as I chase more time to catch up with what seems like a fading memory. The effort of breaking through, becomes harder and mostly wasteful when these feelings of what seems present, become distant so quickly. The rapid feeling can take you up the mountain and directly back down only to make you find your way up again. Under one condition, at my will. I believe, and know that my will is strong, it had to be with the endured feelings I have fought through to be a better man, friend, father and son. I do often wonder, when moments where I see the time flying, if the progression is appreciated. Not by others as one would think, but the soul that is pushing me through. As I’ve held self reflection to the up most importance during this time, I have figured out a dire fact of my life that I have never experienced. The cliché statement is forever true. Time goes regardless, of what you think, how you believe, how you love, where and when you give your all. No matter the distance, no matter the try, as I wrote a few years ago, time is something we can never truly appreciate. But I beg to differ, I have learned how important time is. This chapter has taught me so much. But the thought of time, the one we all feel we master, the one we always seem to know and feel in control of, has died.
I noticed some months ago, that no matter the amount of time you think, it will never change the fact of your effort. My effort in anything never truly held any relevance with time. I look at time differently now, as it goes by when I am lost, when I am confused, when I am happy, when I’m not alone, and most importantly when alone. During the times alone, I never wanted anything more than to be sharing my heart with someone special, whether it be my daughter, friends or someone that just brings happiness. But I started to realize that this depended on so much more than just me, this will always be a conflict. This chapter showed me the true meaning of knowing what you stand for, knowing who you need to be. Although I was not, for many different moments during this time myself. I often lost control, with anger and most importantly mis-understanding of what is truly important, because everything that once seemed important was all of the sudden gone. It was a everyday struggle to create and build something beautiful out of life when everything about me seemed to fade. That feeling although it hasn’t left completely, I am proud to say that I never faded. Though moments tested this, I have figured out nothing less about life, than the mere fact of how little we truly control, not only physically but mentally. The battle was and is real, and I often lend out a helping hand when I can, but for some time, I had no idea how to even help myself. To get out away from the pain of losing time with the moments that mean so much. Although the struggle will always be there, I believe understanding the simple facts of how life is constructed in my mind has helped immensely. But most importantly, my embrace of the difficult and moments alone is something that I will forever appreciate if I don’t have anything else, that accomplishment will forever live on.
I have noticed that I have become closer with my feelings, my reactions, the control over the feelings I once felt I lost. The person that some loved, the person that many once knew, the man that changed before the mirror and before all of you. I know what needs to be done, I know the steps, although my motivation is not always there as it should be, my mentality is not always in line with the one’s I love dearly. My life and time seems much more in depth and meaningful during this chapter. I know how much better I have become, and through the pain I had, or may ever have. I know the breakthrough is real, and the fact that I can write this and share this means the world to not only me, but the rest of my days. As I sit here and think of the countless times, I couldn’t even write my thoughts. I believed I had nothing to say, but so much to think about, this is something I can truly appreciate.
I hope that time no longer fools me, but I know it will. I hope I make the right decisions but know I will disappoint. I hope that I get to experience the love I deserve, but I know that may be out of my control. I hope my daughter knows how much I love her. I hope all my friends and loves know how much I love them. Nothing more during this time has brought me more happiness than to see others grow, and to see how others embrace change, and most of all, help me. But I must say, I am extremely proud of those that will read this and understand. I am forever supportive of those that chase their wants vs their needs. As I’ve often told people that is one of the biggest mistakes we often get caught in the cycle of doing.
As the time continues to go, I want to continue growing, and garnering a respect for my life, that I have seemingly grown to appreciate. The hard times, that I know will come. I hope I am truly mentally prepared, but if I’m not, I will try my best to understand the reasons and the way to a better day. As this is all I can do, this is all I con control. Everything else is filler, for others to place in your time, for things and physical things to shape your time. Appreciate the ones you have, as someone wise told me you only get a handful or less in your lifetime that will alter the course of your life. I am glad to know these people, and I want to thank you for the being part of this journey with me, and never leaving my side.
As I leave this note, I want to say one last thing. Never expect life to show you good, never expect someone else to love you, never expect anyone else to give you time. As you are in total control of the time, the love and the expectations on yourself before anyone begins to show you how cruel expectations placed outside of yourself can be……
Until the next time.
MK
