I wonder sometimes if I’m being the best man that I can be. I often find myself questioning the every day process, grind of life. The daily habits & routines we manage to get so caught up in, where we can forget so easily who we truly are. Who we want to be, who we are, can get so twisted in a world where most of us, have no idea. I tend to think of all the things I have grown to love, and all the things I’ve placed in a forgiving and forgotten place, just because of fear, disappointment and neglect. The dreams and aspirations that I’ve sacrificed to make it through the day, the times where those thoughts were outlandish enough to garner judgement not only from others, but from me. The doubt instills itself through out time, only making me push back as if time is on my side. The more you grow, the more time shows it’s beautiful and of dark character. Realizing where you’re at in life, can truly scare you, leaving you alone, without effort, without knowledge of how distant you have become.
Watch life through a window, imagine not being able to get on the other side of the glass. Imagine the other people looking at you, wondering whats wrong, but they can’t hear you. So they keep walking through life, as they should, while you watch and think about all the things you would do. The glass is fear, that world on the other side is life, it’s time, but your stuck in a world where time is trapped behind fear. Think of all the things you have passed on because you can’t figure out the way through the glass. You’ve tasted it, felt the life outside, as we all do at some point, but now the only thing that is taking that feeling from you, is yourself.
The scary part is that once you lose yourself behind this glass effect, people begin to forget who you are, what makes you, what you stand for. You forget how to show them, because you feel lost, and have no idea how to garner trust without hearing about the time(s) they lost you behind that glass. Those people can be anyone, but most of all the people that love you. The ones that looked at you most through that glass, when you were lost and fearsome of finding a way out. Although those that desire that same feeling, and know what you’re capable of showing the world, only become frail and tired of the fact that your effort became stuck behind a fear that only one can understand and tear down. Which you have no one then to look out to, no one that trusts your process, your learning of life, as if it’s too late to show who you are.
Understanding this process is difficult, and creates mental separation between who you truly are, and what you have carried yourself to be. Blaming others from your time behind the glass, isn’t fathomable, but destructive, and creates the kind of separation that can cause one to be lost forever. This is all on you, and finding yourself, and being secure enough with your fears, by facing and dealing with such emotion, and transpiring that into the only success in life that matters. How you deal with the glass in front of you, how you break through, and take on life with a smile for the fear that you have put behind you. Realizing that the only person that can change, and make people believe who you are, is the person’s reflection in the glass, staring back at you.
The excuses may further tarnish what you can become, the level of success you can have in life. As if no one has plenty of excuses to dish out, to cover up frail moments or characteristics that don't prove worthy. But only when we give excuses are we vulnerable to showing everything that we are not, and forgetting everything we are. Excuses form the glass, just as much as failure, and thoughts that deem you further away from the people you once walked with. Excuses are the last and most powerful deterrent of being successfully happy. Excuses create nothing but questions with no answers, resulting in no action. Inevitably keeping you behind this thick glass looking outwards, for as long as you excuse yourself out of what you can do and who you are.
Remember the many failures that brought you here, the fear, that made you feel you couldn’t succeed. The person you thought you were, know you are, the person you want to become, the person other people want you to be. All that brings you to one place, right now, not tomorrow or yesterday. But the many failures will succumb to one main issue, one main problem, one big sense of pain. Yourself, the one looking outwards, trying to get out, when all you need is to look within. Where you meet all your pain in one moment, where all the pain of the past comes together to show you the way out. It doesn’t come without taking, without failure or sadness, nor a great amount of pressure or self doubt. This is your moment where you must separate the bliss of knowing what needs to be done, from the doubt that you have faced, convinced yourself of, and ignored with effort only to never give effort to push yourself through.
It’s time to break through, you have no choice. The more you face your fears, your undetermined failures that give you the fear, the thinner the glass becomes. Shed light on who you are, give it your all, and ignore the past knowing that the only thing in your control is breaking this glass. Moving forward with what you love, who you love, only giving them more than ever before, and most importantly your life. Your life is back in your hands, no barriers, no one looking at you trapped, no one sad because of you, in fear of your actions, your hidden disappointments. Show yourself what you know is right, the right way out of here, show your determination to make sure that everything and everyone you love is something you never want to lose, or be hidden from. When you break this glass, know that things may not be the same, people may look at you differently, you may be fresh, the trust may be tarnished. But you must regain trust in yourself that the only thing you can do is be a better you. As you may have the temptation to look back, remind yourself how you defeated those emotions, and broke through to become a better person. Walk and talk, respect and love with your all, with all that you have learned, and everything will come together. As if the glass never trapped you it self, but knowing that you have control of being back there in that same lonely space you once were, if you fear of failure. If you fear yourself, and the process. The understanding now becomes clear, and you may now realize how ironic it was that the glass was so clear to look out of, but yet so reflective.
“They say you fear what you don’t understand, and try to bury it, and criticize the chances that you never get, so from the outside scoping in, they look for you to provide the hope for them.” -Skyzoo
*Dedicated to all those that I have hurt, those that knew a better me, those that have seemingly stuck with me during times I shouldn’t have anyone. The times of complete mental loneliness, the moments of doubt, and fear.
But most of all my family, I love you all so much, so much….
- MK July 17’
