This recent week has brought me so many emotions, fulfilling so much for me. Many are asking me how my recent trip to Miami was, questioning my reasons, and moments I shared for such a random trip to a place I once called home, and still do. I wanted to share my experience because it is something that has captured me for recent weeks, and especially while I was down there, so that my readers can understand a few things about me, and life respectfully, and maybe shine some light on how life can be something we must grasp on to, and not let grab us.
For starters, I will fill you in, on how this recent trip became something I felt I needed; wanted to do. For years, my mother and I have had a relationship that I have shined light on to many people, as being strange, and lost, a relationship that for a long time truly never existed. After moving to South Carolina, my mother's life become something of a lost cause to me. She became someone that was distant, and I always felt she wanted nothing to do with me, unless I acted on talking to her, or going to visit. It's been 15 years since I moved away with my father, I can count on two hands how many times she has called me, and most importantly she never has visited me over the years. I struggled with this for years, and sometimes still do, but I have found a few key things along the way that have helped me cope with the fact that our relationship will forever be different. Through the pain, and hurt over the years, I decided a while back that it is only reasonable to see her, and talk to her when I can, when the time is proper for me, because when I tried to give my all, the time felt wasteful, and pointless. But, with that being said, I still keep in contact with her, and visit her every few years, when I can. The interest for me to talk to her, has declined over the years, as I believe that interest fell off because of natural feelings, feelings I could never control, because of the way she treated me over time.
With that being said, I decided about a year ago, to reach out to my uncle, my mother's brother, and I can't say that was easy either, as it had been 18 years or so since I last saw him. We have exchanged emails over the years, but lost touch through all that. But this time something was different, I felt a emotion from my uncle, one that I have never felt from anyone down there in so long, the feeling of being missed, the sense of family, that someone wanted to actually see who I was after all these years, and most of all, love. It was strange at first, as I told me uncle not to expect much out of me, but he reminded me that he was there for me no matter how I felt, and that all he wanted was to be in my life again. We exchanged a few emails over the course of two months, and then we spoke on the phone one day, and everything seemed normal, as if he was always there. The feeling was unexplainable, but it reminded me of something powerful that has always been there within me, the feeling of always being there for my family, and the people that I love. Yes, I love my family, even if they are not there for me, or a big part of my life, I knew I had to give this a chance, to fill the void I always had within me, and the void I knew he shared for the both of us.
We talked about life, how things were going for the both of us. We talked about the memories we shared of each other, I even called him the nickname I gave him when I was a child, as he was always one of my favorite people. We exchanged pictures, as I saw him 18 years later, and I saw his children as grown men now, when I remember them being infants, and I thought to myself, I wonder how he feels when he sees me now at 26, that feeling is the same for both of us. I asked him about my mother, and they hadn't talked in years either, we have both been lost when it comes to our relationship with her for so many years. He then told me about my grandmother, which is my last living grandparent and told me she was doing ok, but had been developing a serious case of memory loss and other complications at the home he had her in for her care. I didn't know how to take that, because my grandmother and I, probably had one of the worst fall outs years ago when I was young, as I always viewed her as a hateful person that found everything to bring people down. I haven't spoken or seen my grandmother in over 18 years either. My uncle also informed me that my mother has not seen her in over 10 years, which was something that took over me; for the simple fact that was her mother.
A few months went by, and somethings have happened in my life since then, lost my job which I still am struggling with, and other things that aren't appropriate to mention on here. My life took a major turn in the past few months, which in turn has given me nothing but time on my hands to figure out things I needed to do.
My uncle called me last week, and informed me that my grandmother's health was declining fast and most likely wouldn't last much longer. I texted him back and told him, I would be down in a few days. He told me that her state was one of no life except breathing, and she would have no idea I was there, or anything else. That was hard for me to grasp on to, not specifically for me, but for the other side of the equation, my mother, that's what I thought about. The only thing I could think about was my grandmother is about to die, and my mother will not have any closure with her mother. I thought about all the things I have done and continue to do, to make sure I always have some type connection with my mother no matter what for this exact reason, the reason of closure and understanding what is, family that is, and you only get one mother! I called my mother and spoke to her for the first time in 4 years, and told her I was on the way down there, and informed her that her mother was in bad shape and was not going to make it much longer, we spoke for a few minutes, and I told her I would see her soon.
So I planned the trip and went down there, on Sunday, as I reached Miami I felt at home and at peace. I knew what was ahead was going to be difficult, not only for me, but for the remaining family I have there, which is not much. But by doing this, this task I placed in front of me, I would bring together a family that hasn't been a family in so long, and even if it was for just a day, it would be everything the three of us needed, moving forward.
After hours of traveling, the first night I was down there, I drove from the hotel room to the address my mother texted me, not knowing what to expect, as she has gone through so much in recent years. She told me that her friend would let me in, as he did when I told her I was downstairs. I walked up to the apartment where she was at, this place looked so bad, from the start. I was shocked, knowing where my mother came from, to see her in such a situation, she opened the door, and I she smiled, and gave me hug, as she was at the door holding herself up with the assistance of a walker device, as hard as it was to see her in such condition, I held my emotions together and talked to her, by her side. As we talked about random things, I told her that I was going to take her to see her mother, and we would have to go to her brothers house to see her, two people we both haven't seen in years, especially longer for me but that didn't matter to me, as I knew the real purpose behind it all.
The next morning, I went back to North Miami to pick her up, as she struggled to get in the car with her fragile body, we went to my uncles house, in Ft. Lauderdale. We spoke the whole way there, about life and other things, as we arrived at the door, a feeling of emotions came over us, as my uncle opened the door. I know we both felt a feeling of family that we haven't felt together, in such a long time. Doing this with my mother was one of the best feelings I could ever imagine, bringing her to see her dying mother, was the best thing, I could have ever done as a son, as a man. My uncle was excited to see us both, but I was so excited to see someone that had been a stranger in my mind for so long, and I always wondered about, as I did for my mother for so long as well. The feelings were mutual all over, as we looked at his house, and met his wife which was taking care of my grandmother during her struggle, we walked into the room to see my grandmother, the three of us together. We stood by the bed, as my grandmother, and their mother, was laying there looking lifeless, as someone I hadn't seen in almost 20 years, it thought about the good times, I thought about the times that once left me because I didn't know her for so long. I stood there, as they talked about their mother, and felt so lost, knowing she would die, never knowing how I looked, who I became, what I stood for. I thought about her not seeing my mother of so long, and the feeling my mother must have had. I stood there, the feelings poured, mentally I could imagine that happening to me, and knowing I would never let that happen to my mother, for that's the reason no matter if other people never tried to be in my life, I tried, for the reasons that were right in front of me at this moment, as I imagined my mother on that bed, strangely enough.
As we connected through out the day, for that one day we felt like a family, and it was everything we desired. I knew none of this would be possible without my taking the actions I did by coming down. My uncle told me that he was proud of the man I had become, that meant the world. I thanked him for everything, and we left so I could take my mother back home. My mother told me as I dropped her off, that for years I reminded her to be in her mothers life no matter the differences, because a day would come when it could be too late, she thanked me for taking her, as she cried on my shoulder, that she had closure with her mother, and that she was so happy I was with her for that moment in time.
The next day my grandmother passed away at my uncles house, as if she was waiting on us, I was not expecting it to happen so fast, but people wait for things like that when they are struggling to hold on to life. My mother was hurt, and I was there for her, as my feelings about the situation were concentrated on her and how she was, I know I brought her comfort through such pain, as for my uncle as well.
With all this being said, I want to tell who ever is reading this, that I understand how it can be to be lost, as the only child, I have only truly had one figure in my life, that has always been there for me. My father, as everyone knows, I love and cherish him to death, but over time, I figured out that giving my all to people I call family works in the end. Even though I rarely feel any love from other parts of my family, I have built up my own ways to deal with that, and have a core of people around me that I cherish and will do anything for. That keeps me going, that keeps me from being alone, and through all that, I will always try to give my best to those. No matter what my mother does, or ends up, I will always be here for her, as I understand how fragile life is.
The choices we make, do not always lead to success and riches, and no matter what, everything can be gone in a matter of one moment, one choice. People, need each other, although my mother has changed so much over the years, she will always be my mother. I am so glad that through the years, I grew to understand this, understanding that my relationship with her, even at the smallest parts of it, means so much to me, and that I hope the same thing for her. I hope she knows that no matter what I love her, and she always has someone here for her. As for when I feel alone, I think to myself I could be in my mothers position, with no one around, and that hurts, but I showed her that she is never alone.
The same goes for my uncle.. I love you. Thank you for reaching out to me, and making me feel like family again, as one of my goals this year was to rebuild the family we once had. They're not many of us left, but we have to make whatever we have work, to whatever capacity we can.
I had closure with my grandmother, as I know she knew I was there, but more importantly I had closure by knowing I still have a family on my mothers side. May she rest easy now.
Remember to always cherish the ones you love. Someway, somehow, always keep them as close as you can, as family should never be taken for granted, so many people I know can work on this, especially family I have, never forget this, as it's something I've lived and experienced to the fullest.
Always love & continue loving those you care for.
My trip to Miami.
Thank you to the ones that made this possible for me. You know who you are!
MK' 15
