Where can i start, it has been a long 20 years, well actually lets say 15 years, because from age 5 I can remember the major parts of my life... So lets say it's been a long 15 years! It just seems as if i started growing at age 5 you know, with my parents getting divorced , independent thinking began to take a major part in my little world around this time. I had to make big decisions at such an early age. No lie, at this early age, my choice was to be with my father because of my mothers ways! I actually said that, to my mother soon after the divorce was final.. The reason i'm starting this note off with this, is probably because it was the most influential and most important change in my life... Also the hardest, and most treacherous to get over! I gotta say that, if it wasn't for that moment, if they were by any chance to be different and not get a divorce My life would have been so different, that's why I begin with this chapter, this incident, the decision which allowed me to have a life, well at least a childhood..
Let me not loose my self, My reason behind this note, this reflection of thoughts which have been recurring for a few years now, is to explain the changes and promises i have been wanting to make. Through the years, many things have occurred, to shake my thoughts, and influence me to shift my road in life, from the wrong crowds, to the wrong decisions from my immature mind. I have been not forced to do anything in my life, but have decided for myself that I wanted to do everything that I have done, and continue to do... So im not blaming anyone, so dont get it twisted.. I must say that If it wasnt for these descions, thanks due in part to my imagination, i would have not been able to learn the wrongs and rights that I believe carry me to be who I want to be in the future. I was always able to understand other's situations like no one else! I would always be the one to help the most, and sacrifice the most for the friends that needed the most, and never gave anything.. Thank YOU! Because you have me thinking things that have me writing this note.
It must be the rain today, or all the rain I have seen through out my life. It seems like some days I'm in slow motion, kinda like when you are driving down the road and you stare off into the distance and the trees seem to be flying by slower than your car! Life has done this for me for a couple years now! Mostly because the last few years have been the most difficult, and the most unpredicted times of my entire life! I mean, so many things, people, and thoughts have made it that way! It seems like it just gets harder from here? Or do i just make it hard on my self?
People have always told me that I was one of the most influential persons in there lives, the one that always had the right thing to say, the one with all the right advice... Im glad that people think of me that way! I must say that the only reason i have the words to share to my friends, is because I learn well from other's mistakes, before I make my own over and over again! But wait lately it seems as if something is holding me back, something evil like, or stubborn, which wont let me go, and be the person I want to be! I dont' know what to do at times, in which this thing has control of me and my mind. It's crazy! It seems like it wont let me act upon the advice I give, and sometimes hurt me and my emotions. Both physically and emotionally I have been affected by many things in my life, but not ever like this!
I have to admit though that this is the hardest time of my life, being that Im more independent than ever, and life is harder, this thing just adds to my stressful life!?! I am a firm believer that you create your own way of life, and I have created on that I question at times! But not like before, I am questioning alot more.. So i believe that it's times for another chapter of changes! To be honest they are things that have been hurt before in either past relationships, or just from what I have seen, that has forced me to avoid such things! I just really want to be whole to my self! Although I am a great person, in my eyes, I want to be even greater! I want to strive to be happier, which in my eyes is the key to success, but is also the hardest thing in life to obtain.. You see many people claim they are happy to avoid thinking about the things that are making them unhappy!
I want to live the pure life, the life which allows me to be happy at all times, now I have figured out the formula to conquer such a task...
First- One must understand what makes them happy, and im not talking about the smiling you do after you do something good, but im talking about the happy that makes your life slow down as you think about the certain things that make you happy.
Second- One must take this happiness and enforce it on themselves as many times as they can, because it can easily be lost if the person constantly does not feel the emotion of happiness within them!
Third- One must understand that this is the hardest feeling to find, the hardest emotion to hold onto, and that people will attempt to kill this emotion at times, and also attempt to help it. But it is this conflict that affect the person the most in which the person must understand that making the decision on what person to be surrounded by is the way his/ or hers happiness will be shaped during their lives!
Forth- This is the most important and hardest part of the formula, Holding onto the happiness, as for a person to hold on to true happiness, is the hardest thing to do in a person's life.. One must find the power and answer to what he/she has, and then figure out that this is the emotion that makes them successful, it there for then makes you the person you really are!
Following this formula, has been probably the hardest thing I have ever tried to do... I have tried and tried, and have kept screwing up... But I must say that I finally figured it out!!! I have had the moment in which has allowed to me to feel what is real! To feel happy, and to finally figure out that I have reached my maximum potential with this emotion, with my self! I must remind my self of this feeling many times during the day, and allow my self to remember the mistakes and the actions that have lead me to believe that I am truely happy with my self, with my life, with my emotions, and my physical drive, that will indeed make me successful for the long road ahead. This will carry me to be the true MICHAEL ALEXANDER KIRKLAND, the person that I have wanted to be ever since I was 5.
It was 20 years ago, wait lets say 15 years, that made begin this process, and now that I have had the moment, the moment of peace, the moment of silence, the moment that made me realize that life in deed is something that must be figured out, by myself, that is must be looked upon with these moments, of challenge and silence, with many troubles and great times, it is one answer that I have struggled with for so long! With so many things going right but so many things also wrong, I must say and have finally got the drive to express that I am the true self! The true person who was always trying to help others, and forget about what I needed to do, that I have finally found the one thing that will drive me to be a better person, and also allow me to be a better person to all that have any meaningful impact on the rest of my life! So many years have passed, but so many are ahead... But now I know that I am complete as the person that I want to be! All I can say now is that I found my true success, and The key to being me, true HAPPINESS!
To all who read! I wrote this to get the word out of the importance of this success that I am feeling, not for self gratitude, but to help others figure out what is most important! I want to tell all my influentual friends that I LOVE YOU, and that I am all yours, to help and to be there for you when all is said and done! I want to be remembered as " Yea Mike I remember him, he was a great guy, always seemed to happy though"!
MAK
MAY 09'
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